A BIG Change in Attitude and Perspective

Here I am at work, if you can call it that. I get paid to take care of one elderly woman. She is very easy most of the time, and even when she is a little work, she is still easy and pleasant. Most of the time, I sit on my fat ass, and watch TV and play online now that I have an ISP for dial-up set up for use here! I am glad, too, because I have some major shit to blog about today! I hope I remember it all! LOL

Anyway, I just finished watching Inside the Actor's Studio, and the guest was none other than the controversial, yet excellent actress, Jane Fonda. Now, Kat and I both love that show, but I have to admit that when I first saw JF was going to be on, I was less than interested and/or excited. So, I really made no point in seeing it the first few times I saw it was on. Today, there was nothing else on TV, so I decided to watch it, and just see what she had to say. I didn't get to see all of it, but I did see most of it.

Now, I am not like a lot of people about JF. I wasn't even aware of her antics in Vietnam until a couple of years ago. So, I never called her Hanoi Jane, or really hated her, like many in our country have. I do understand, however, why people were so mad at her. But, like I always try to remind myself, we do not know the whole story. She is very sorry for what she DID do, and I think she should be forgiven, and we all should move on.

Anyway, while I was watching her on this show, and realizing this woman is much more interesting and complicated than I ever thought, I started to realize I have never seen most of her movies. And then I started to wonder why, and realized that I have harbored a contempt for her for many years! This kind of startled me, and my first thought was that I need to see her movies, as they do chronicle her growth both as an actress, and as a human being.

And then, I started to ponder WHY I had such contempt for her, and basically had boycotted her movies. All of a sudden, it hit me, and I just couldn't help but laugh! See, my real name is Barbara. I always went by Barb, but everyone knew my full name was Barbara. So, among all the other things those evil children tortured me with, namely: Barbie Doll.....hey Barbie, where's Ken?......Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Barbara Ann.......Barbarino (from Welcome Back, Kotter), they ALSO tortured me mercilessly with calling me BARBARELLA incessantly! Well, at first, I didn't know what they were talking about, and then I actually saw the movie.......my jaw dropped, and I was SO offended when I saw the movie and the character JF played that those evil gnomes would call me that! So, I guess, subconsciously, I swore I would never watch another of her movies. And, I never have that I can remember! (I am SERIOUSLY rolling my eyes at myself!)

I just could never take her seriously after that! Well, today, watching her on that show, I really had no choice but to take her seriously. She is an intensely DEEP, and spiritual person, and most interesting! If you ever get the chance to see the show, I would urge you to watch it! She is touching, and real, and she moved my heart.

She also said something that has hit me deeply, and just may have a HUGE impact on my life. She was talking about those of us, including her, that have the overwhelming need to please others constantly. That is a HUGE problem of mine! She said that need has to do with the corresponding need for perfection, which I believe is also connected to the need to control all events around us. But it was her next comment that rocked my world. I don't know if I will remember it exactly, but the essence of it was that in the midst of all of this striving for perfection and the resulting stress, she all of a sudden realized that there is not truly a need for perfection in this life.....only completion!

HOLYFUCKME BATMAN! What a concept! I can't even wrap my mind completely around it yet, but that comment just may help me change my life! Perfection is unattainable. Completion is not only do-able, but I believe necessary!This is something I definitely need to ponder and ruminate on for a while. If I get any new revelations about this, I will definitely share them!

So, another lesson learned. Sometimes doing something I don't want to do, or watching something I don't want to watch, or listening to something I don't want to hear, can result in a possibly life changing experience at best, and at worst, I might waste a little time. In the big scope of things, I think I would rather waste some time, than take the chance of missing out on an opportunity to find something to help me be a better me.

And that's about enough out of me for now....

Ordinary Angels......extraordinary blessings.....

One night, a few days ago, Kat and I were at IHOP having dinner. Now, we hadn't been out to a real sit-down restaurant dinner in AGES, due to the hard times that had befallen us in the past year or so, and we were SERIOUSLY enjoying ourselves! Anyway, something happened that night that just didn't seem to be a big deal at the time, but just keeps growing in my heart and head in importance.

I was sitting there, munching happily away on my chicken strips when all of a sudden, Kat says, "Honey, that lady is about to fall! Why don't you go over and offer to help them. Just tell them that you are a nurse's aide, and have training, because the other lady isn't going to be able to stop her from falling or get her off the floor once she does!" So, I turn and around and look, and sure enough, there is this youngish-looking woman in a booth, turned sideways, and almost sliding out of it onto the floor. (It was hard to really tell her age, due to her sickness, but I got the impression she really wasn't very old.)

So, I did just what Kat had said, I went over and offered to help, and the older lady, who really was quite petite, looked at me gratefully, and said, "Yes, thank you, she really needs to go the bathroom. She just got out of the hospital, and wanted to go eat before we headed back home, and now she needs to get to the bathroom, but she is still so weak, and I forgot to bring her walker."

So, between me and the older woman, (I think she may have been the sick woman's mom) we finally got her up, and I helped her walk to the bathroom VERY slowly, but pretty steadily. I helped her into the stall, and she was strong enough from there, to do the rest, and I told the older woman that I was going back to my table, but that if they needed help again, not to hesitate, to come out and get me, and I would help again. As much as needed, really.

After a bit, they came out and she was walking much better, and the older one said, "Thank you so much, but I think we got it." And they started to head to the door to leave. In another few seconds, the older one came back over to us, and asked me to help again, because the sick one was getting weaker quickly. Kat and I both think she had cancer, and probably had just come from either fighting a relapse of remission, or from a round of chemo.

I walked her out to the curb and the older one went and brought the car up. As I was helping the sick one load into the pasenger seat, I asked the older one if they had someone to help at home.....because we would be quite happy to follow them home and help if need be. She kind of chuckled and said that yes, they had help at home, and besides, they lived in Omak.

I am not exactly sure HOW far away Omak is, but I know it is quite a drive. I told her that we would be happy to follow her and help if need be. She smiled that grateful smile at me again, and assured me again that no, really they had help at home.

So, with that, I finished helping the sick one load in, and made sure she was all tucked in there good for the long drive home, and bid them both adieu, and told them they would certainly be in our prayers, and we sincerely hoped that she felt better soon, and that life would improve for them both. The older one profusely thanked me, and said "God bless you." The relief in her voice, was enormous.

Now, from the title of this entry, you might think that I am referring to myself as being the ordinary angel. Far from it. After I finished helping these two, I came back into the restaurant, and sat back down. I know the look on my face must have been priceless. I told Kat what had transpired, and said that those two probably thought I was an angel sent by God, but the reality was that they were MY angels. They blessed me much more that I was being a blessing to them.

I know my help to them was a HUGE blessing to them, but the opportunity to BE a blessing was a greater service to me than ANYTHING I did for them. See, I am a born helper. I am a good nurse's aide, because I care so deeply and love to care for others. That part of me has been very stifled for over a year due to circumstances, and my heart just soared at this opportunity to serve. I told Kat that those kind of privileges, to help and serve a stranger, didn't come around in life all that often, and I was especially gratefulfor this one as it had helped soften some hardness and coldness I have been developing in response to our desperate circumstances in the past year or so.

So, to my ordinary angels I say "Thank you both, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for being my extraordinary blessings that day!" I truly do wish you the best, and hope from the bottom of my heart that life takes an upswing soon, and many ordinary angels bless you both extraordinarily.

Taking the Plunge

I admit it. I have finally caved in, and am finally joining the blogging craze. As usual, the late joiner. That's ok with me, though. I like it that way. So, I am indeed taking the blogging plunge. Up until real recently, I had NO desire to blog......EVER. My whole life I have tried and tried to journal both on paper and on the computer, to no avail. I hate it. It is too much work to try to keep up on it, and honestly, the enormity of the shit in my head tends to overwhelm me, and I just can't deal with trying to get it all out. It feels like trying to force a big bunch of thick, gritty mud through the smallest opening. It is just too much, so I do my usual thing. Avoidance. You will soon find that avoidance is one of the negative recurring themes in my life.
Oh, and speaking of gritty, I may as well issue a warning about this blog right now before I go any further. I cuss. A lot. Both online and in real life. I am not going to change to suit any readers of this blog. If profanity offends you, please don't read on, because there will more than likely be times when I will make a sailor look tame!
But I digress. I was talking about my aversion to blogging and journaling, etc. Lately, especially the last few days, I have been getting more and more of an urge to start a blog. The reason for that is simple. My girlfriend has a couple of blogs. Her main one is HILARIOUS! She just makes me laugh out loud! I often have choking fits from all the laughing while reading her blog. Well, through her, I have met a couple of other blogger's blogs! All equally hilarious! So, I would get jealous, and want to be as funny and entertaining as them in my own blog. But, alas, I know that could never happen, because while I can appreciate their humour and the way they see things, to have that come from me just really isn't possible. Not that I am humourless. Far from it. But, my humour tends to be much milder. I am a VERY serious person. Yes, sometimes a little TOO serious, but, I really don't mind being that way. Not that I am boring, either. There will be humour in this blog......but not NEAR as much or as raucous of humour as the others I mentioned.
So, why did I finally decide to blog? Well, simple really. Um, no, not simple.....anyway.....interspersed in the best of these hilarious blogs are some of the most touching and thought provoking moments of introspection and growth, etc that I have ever seen. These very funny people CAN get serious on occasion. And when they do, watch out! It probably means I am going to be challenged to grow and it probably isn't going to be real pleasant. Such is what happened earlier tonight. I was reading Kim's blog, and she had a very serious and somewhat sad post. It made me ache, and really brought home what has been happening to me while reading blogs these last few days. My head has been getting so inundated with thoughts and such, that I am finding it hard to function! So, I guess I will start a blog. That seems to be the way to go. I just need to remind myself that I don't need to put a bunch of pressure on myself to make it just so. I just need to be me, in all my very flawed humanity. There are no rules here. Only possibilities. If I remember that, maybe I won't get so overwhelmed!
Speaking of which, I am starting to feel overwhelmed so I am going to quit for now.