Fuck Off, Troll!

Ok, it seems I have acquired a troll. I know who it is, but I refuse to give the ass any more attention and I certainly won't give him any traffic by mentioning the asses name. I am just going to say a couple of things to the ugly fucker; first of all, FUCK OFF! Second of all, you can keep putting your asshole comments here all you want, and I will keep deleting them. You will not exist in my world. If I had a way to keep you away from my blog altogether, I would. But, I don't, so this will have to do. And oh yeah, FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to apologize to everyone else. I will get back to regular posts soon!

Isn't it Ironic?

When I was in school, I was always kind of the oddball out. I fit in everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. Part of that was my budding, but duly repressed sexuality. I never dated. I kind of half-heartedly tried to get laid a couple of times. I just could never go through with it. So, resigned myself to going to the occasional dance with guys that were friends only. You might think the problem was that I found myself attracted to girls. But, no, you would be wrong. My repression was so successful, that I was not attracted to girls OR guys.

High school was a very confusing time for me. You know how it is. All those cliques. Again, I fit in them all, and none of them all at the same time. And my journey through high school was very interesting because of it. If I had continued on the path I started in my freshman year, I would probably be in jail right now. I spent most of the year in in-house detention, spent a good portion of the year drunk or high or both, and ended the year with a 1.9 GPA.

My sophomore year began much the same way, until I pulled my head out of my ass, took a deep breath, and realized I was ruining my life. So, I quit the weed, I limited any drinking to weekends only, and started to really knuckle down. I took extra classes and really kept my nose to the grindstone, and between the rest of that year and my junior year, which I spent much the same way, I got caught up with credits and such, and could relax a little bit.

I also decided that senior year was going to be MY year. I got involved in all kinds of things. Being a fairly shy person in new settings, I surprised myself by entering the talent show; by myself. (Most everybody else was in pairs or groups.) I easily could have made a fool of myself, but I didn't care. As it turns out, I didn't win the contest, but I did win some popularity and acclaim for being "brave". I also tried out for, and made the big musical. No, my parts weren't huge, because I was also playing in the band. (yes, I was a band geek.) But, again, I had a blast!

The other thing I had decided I was going to do was "be normal" and go to my senior prom if it killed me. There were several obstacles to this, but for this story, I am going to focus on only one. The first hurdle; having someone to go with.

I knew I was not going to be asked. So, that left me with doing the asking. I knew I didn't want to be rejected, so I decided to ask a guy I was friends with in the band, and that I had known for a long time. Since grade school, really. He was a freshman. So, my chances were good that he would say yes, as it was quite the status symbol to be going to the senior prom as a freshman, even if I WAS fat and not exactly pretty.

So, I endeavored to ask him. His name was John Stewart. One day, in the middle of the biggest hall there, I saw him, and went to where he was. I was terribly nervous. We kind of chit-chatted for a little while and then I started hemming and hawing;

Me: Well, (ahem) there was something I wanted to ask you, John.

John: Ok, go ahead.

Me: Well, you know how I am a senior, right?

John: Duh! And I am freshman, so what?

Me: Well, (ahem) (cough cough) the senior prom is only a couple of months away now, and uh (choke) (ahem) (cough cough) I was wondering if you would be interested in going with me, just as friends, of course. (By now, my face was CRIMSON! And I really wanted to die!)

John: (With a really, really strange look on his face) Well, I truly didn't expect that.

Me: (Melting into an embarrassed, quivering, pile of nerves.) Um, (ahem) yeah, well, I understand, I'm just going to go die now! ( I start to slink away)

John: NO WAIT! You just took me off guard a little bit, that's all. Yes, I would LOVE to go to the senior prom with you. (By the way, he knew how badly I wanted to go and just be "normal" for once) I do have one condition, though. (And here, he got the most mischievous grin on his face.)

Me: Ok, what is it?

John: (Looking like a pure devil) You have to promise me one thing.

Me: (Looking truly terrified) Okkkkkkk.........

John: (I swear devil horns came out of his head at this point) You have to promise to NEVER! EVER! EVER! WHITEWASH ME AGAIN!

Me: (Completely confused and bewildered, staring at him with my mouth wide open, realization dawning in my clouded brain of forgotten times.) OH......MY......GOD!!!!!! I had completely forgotten!!!!

John: (Smugly) I didn't, and I have been waiting for the perfect time to needle you with it, and finally it presented itself.

Me: (Thoroughly embarrassed and humiliated, and sounding very sheepish) John, I am so sorry. Of course, I will never whitewash you again. (Hanging my head)

John: (Laughing his head off now) I knew you had forgotten! (Hugs me spontaneously) Don't feel too bad. We were just kids who did stupid things all the time, that later we tend to regret, but let me tell you, the look on your face was worth every red mark on my face from that snow! So, since I have your promise, yes, I would be more than honoured to go to the prom with you.

Pushing Through the Muck

Per Kim's request, and before Scott bursts a bloodvessel in his head, I am going to attempt a post. Like I said to Kim in my comments on the last post, there is so much going on, and such, that everytime I try to post, I just get totally overwhelmed, so I am going to try to stick to just one or two topics for now, and see if I can get something written that way.

One of the reasons I have been incommunicado is because getting used to Kat's new job and hours has been quite the strain for both of us. Trying to keep things in order for her, and taking care of her has taken up a good amount of time.

Another one of the reasons that I have been incommunicado is because of my health status. Around the first of Sept, I was diagnosed with having fibroid tumors in my uterus, and told that most likely, since my symptoms are disruptive and such, that I will probably require a hysterectomy.

I am 36 years old. Does this bother me? No, not particularly. At least not on the front you might expect. I have never wanted children. I have a lot of reasons for that, which I am sure I will be writing about soon, since everything seems to be overlapping for the time being. So, I am really not going to mind losing my useless baby factory parts. I am REALLY not going to mind losing the awful monthly rituals, either.

BUT!!!!!! And this is one huge but. I really do not relish the thought of ANY kind of surgery. See, I have this HUGE fear of death. It is so hard to write about this, because it goes so deep. Anyway, fear of death. Yeah. When I was a deeply religious Christian, and had blind faith, I had no fear of death. There was NO question in my mind that there was an afterlife, and that I would be spending it in "heaven". Whatever the fuck that was!

Well, when I FINALLY came out of the closet, (in the middle of Bible College, mind you) I ended up losing my faith. That was 8 years ago. I still can't find it. I struggle. I search. But, I know I can never return to the way I was before. I can never have blind faith again. I just can't do it. I need proof. Starting to see my dillemma?

People that can have blind faith do not fear death. People who have had those awesome near death experiences do not fear death. People who have seen and/or interacted with ghosts/spirits do not fear death. I, however, do. Why? Because I cannot have blind faith, and because I have never experienced the other two. Not that I necessarily want a NDE. I wouldn't mind seeing a ghost or spirit, though. But, see I have nothing to base any faith in an afterlife on.

And then I start pondering the different forms the afterlife could take. First, if there isn't an afterlife at all, then what? Non-existence? And, as stupid as this sounds, the thought of being non-existant terrifies me. Then, I think what about the heaven and hell thing? HOW THE HELL DO WE REALLY KNOW WHICH IS THE RIGHT WAY??? And believe me, being gay, that is an extremely valid question. And don't tell me the answer lies in the Bible. I cannot have blind faith in the Bible either, because it has been translated by HUMANS!!!!

And then I think about reincarnation, which used to calm me some, until I realized, if there IS such a thing as reincarnation, I do not remember a single thing about any past life, or what sort of person I was, or any lessons I may have already learned. I do have feelings of familiarity, which makes me think maybe there is truth in the idea of reincarnation. But, if we don't remember anything from life to life, then WHAT IS THE POINT???? It is the same as non-existance then.

And then, my mind just keeps spinning and spinning right back to the thought of what if I don't wake up from the anesthesia this time? I am in much poorer health now than I was for my only other surgery. Will my heart give out? Will that be it for me? I am too young. I am not ready.

So, that's a little piece of what I have been dealing with. I will try to post more. (Did you hear that Scott?) I realize I have got to get all this shit out of my head. It is driving me insane. There is a ton more where this came from. I also have some funny stories to tell, so maybe I will weave those in between these deep dark posts. *sigh* I make myself very tired.

Update on Jordan

Well, folks, it worked. Jordan is home. You can read about it here. The one thing she doesn't put in there though, that she told me about in an email is that the reason the mom turned herself in is because she saw something about this on the computer, and then saw herself on TV. So, the massive saturation of this story flushed her out! YAY!

Oh, and by the way, if you sent out email alerts or posted on your blog, please update, as we really wouldn't want to see this on Snopes.com in 5 years or so! LOL (I stole that funny from Kim's email!) Thanks so much all!

Please Help!

Ok, I know it has been forever and a day since I posted and probably noone even comes here to look anymore, but just in case, I do have a post of sorts today. It is actually a post from Kim's blog. I feel it is important to plaster this everywhere, so here I go. I promise I will post again in the very near future, letting you know what has been happening in my life. If you can help with this in any way, please do.

God Help Us

I have a very serious post.

This is Jordan. He is 6 years old. He is missing. He is our child.

Please click HERE to see the picture of Jordan.

Jordan is a child in my family. He was abducted Tuesday evening by his mother. I know that sounds strange but allow me to explain.

My ex husband fathered this child. He was not aware of his existence until the boy was a year old. The mother, Nancy, approached our family with the news claiming she just wanted him to know about it and to give him the opportunity to get to know all of us.

Shortly after we met Jordan, we began to notice things that didn't make sense. Marks on the child's body, bruises in strange places, odd behavior. Once Jordan was able to talk, we learned that he had been suffering unspeakable abuse at the hands of his mother.

Physical abuse. Psychological abuse. Sexual abuse.

Told to us by this child in his own words.

My ex and my family began a legal battle that has been going on in the court system for more than 3 years. The courts had allowed us emergency custody of Jordan and his mother had been kept away from him because there was evidence that she has serious mental health issues and is a danger to herself and others. Jordan has undergone intense psychological therapy to correct the wrongs that were perpetrated against him and his life had just begun to take on a more normal existence.

Then the court system decided that it would be a good idea for the mother to have strictly supervised visitation with Jordan 4 hours a week.

During her last visit, Tuesday night, she took the child and ran. We have not been able to find her since.

The FBI is searching. The police are searching. We are searching.

Yet Jordan still remains unfound.

Please look at this picture. Please read the information I'm about to tell you about him. Please ask your friends and family to learn the same. Contact your local police department if you have any information.

Jordan Rolfe (birth name) or Jordan Barry (name he chooses to use, our name)
Born: March 10, 1999

Height: 4 feet

Weight: 50 pounds

Hair : Dark Brown, straight, medium-short length

Marks: Scar on middle back, rash (exzema) on right arm and wrist, wart on right thumb.

Last seen wearing a grey shirt with a navy blue collar and blue shorts with orange flames on the sides.

Taken from the city of Strongsville, Ohio. Last seen in Lakewood, Ohio on Clifton Blvd. 9-28-05 at 10:00 a.m. We suspect that she will be trying to make her way either towards Mexico, or Florida.

Nancy Rolfe may be driving a White Chevy conversion van with light blue or green pin stripes. She may also be with a friend who drives a white Honda with black trim. Nancy may be going by the name "Flora" and may have altered her appearance to look like an older woman. Nancy is in her 40's, thin, dark hair and approx. 5'6" tall.


Jordan is at risk. He is in danger. We cannot get an Amber Alert issued because there is a custody case before the court, even though the judge, two different psychologists and a Guardian Ad Litum have all demanded that one be issued. There are cracks in the system, please help us to fill them and get the word out.

Please help. He calls me Grandma.

Whitewash!

Ok, so I thought I would take a little break from all the seriousness and share a little funny story from my past.

A few things I need to tell you before I tell the story. I have one sibling; a sister, younger. I was unusually devoted and manipulated by said sibling. I was always very large and strong for my age. I could sometimes be a bit of a bully, especially when coerced to be by my sister. She would tell you I was a terrible bully to her, but I would tell you, it was in defense as if we started arguing she would come after me with knives or loaded guns!

Anyway, in the summer of 1979, we moved from the house we had been in since I was around 5 to a new house all the way across town. We lived right across the street from the big park that had our new school at the end of it.

Well, we started our new school in the fall, both of us VERY unhappy to be in a new school, and my sister took an instant disliking, for whatever reason, to this one certain family, who had like TONS (5) of kids who went to this school. 1 girl and 4 boys, if I remember right. Their last name was Stewart. And my sister DESPISED them! I don't think I even know why for sure to this day.

So, fast forward to winter, probably Jan. or Feb. There is tons of snow on the ground. And is it ever COLD! So, my sister and I are playing in the house, and she happens to look outside, to the park across the street, and she notices 2 people walking across the park through the snow. All of a sudden, she says, "Hey! That's some of the Stewarts'! GO GET EM'!" And did I even stop to question WHY I was doing this? Nope! Hell, I didn't even stop to put on a coat or shoes! So, I go busting out of the house in short sleeves and stocking feet, and bulldoze my way through the snow, cross the street, and make a beeline for these 2 people. I notice right away that one is the youngest Stewart, a boy and the other is one of the middle boys. So, I decide to go for the bigger one first, and tackle him, and whitewashed him soundly! Now, just in case not everyone reading this knows, whitewashing consists of tackling someone to the ground, getting them face down, and rubbing their face mercilessly in the snow. Just as I was finishing off the bigger boys' whitewashing, here comes my sister, who had had the brains to put on a coat and boots, and she proceeded to tackle and whitewash the younger one!

So, we walked away, all proud of ourselves, and went back to our house. If I remember right, I don't think I ever saw any of the Stewarts cross the park in front of our house again!

Comment Whore No More

In a post a few days ago, I said I was a comment whore. It's true. I am. Rather, I was. I have been cured. So very cured. I had an incident over the weekend that got me really thinking about comments. Not just comments on my blog, but really, any comments anytime. I can no longer allow myself and my self esteem to be overly bolstered by supportive comments from friends and family and the like; UNLESS I have managed to tell them the absolute, no holds barred truth of any given story or event. If I have not revealed ALL the details, even the ones that portray me in a not-so-pleasant light, then the people who are making the comments cannot possibly be objective, which in turn, makes their comments extremely subjective.

Maybe this is elementary for some people, but for me, it is a revelation. Over this last weekend, I watched a situation get WAY out of control simply because one of the participants while relating the original incident on her blog, was not completely forthright. No, she didn't outright lie, as I first surmised in my anger, but she didn't tell the whole truth, at first. But then, even when she did, people are STILL almost midweek jumping on the bandwagon and badmouthing other participants in the original incident. It is like they cannot hear her correction for being outraged at the original post. And the most ridiculous part of it, is that they are all so self-righteous and she is being bolstered by their support, and their attacks on the other participants, that not one of them can see how far off base they are. It is really rather sad. Being all indignant and they don't even have the story right.

So, if it makes any sense, that is why, unless I can tell the WHOLE story of an incident, and really, we are probably only talking about the hard things and problems that come up, then I can't really allow myself to be emboldened by other people's comments, because unless they the know the whole story, preferably from both points of view, any uplifting I derive from those comments has a false foundation and therefore, will fall, eventually.

So, it is now becoming my goal, along with all the other changing I am trying to accomplish in my life, to try to achieve a deeper honesty and integrity, so that I can enjoy a firm foundation of support from the people who love me and care about me.

Meow!

Oh, my god, are women ever catty or what? Is it even possible for a group of women to co-exist without it eventually getting mean and personal???? I don't think so! You might wonder how I can say all this when I am a woman; well, that's HOW I can say it, and in my experience it is IMPOSSIBLE for a group of women to get along indefinitely before someone gets their feelings hurt, and goes off whining about it, not necessarily telling the truth about the situation. And then it just escalates from there.

I have found that I MUCH prefer the company of men as friends. They are so much easier and MUCH less complicated! Plus, I actually understand them. It truly makes me wish I wasn't gay sometimes. LOL

Anyway, that's my rant for today!

Busier than a One-armed Paper Hanger

And that subject just about says it all! LOL Kat just started a new job, my mom just had knee surgery, and we just had to have our 5 month old kitten in to get his balls cut. There's more, but those are the big things. So, needless to say, I have been a little overwhelmed, and that is part of the reason I haven't been posting.

The other reason is that I have found that I have become a comment whore, I love getting people's thoughts on my posts. BUT, it takes forever to get them. The longer I let a post sit there, the more comments I get. If I post everyday, or closer to that than I am now, I don't get any! So, what am I supposed to do???? LOL Oy!

Oh yeah, another thing I did was Kat and I went and had lunch last week with a friend of mine who haven't seen in 18 years, since graduation, and her family. We had SUCH a blast! She has really changed a lot! Both in looks and personality. And all for the better, too. She has an incredible husband and fantastically behaved kids! It was really fun to see her. It's too bad they live like 6-8 hours away from here. Now that we have reconnected, I wish we could spend a lot more time together! Oh, well!

I really need to get busy and gets apps in for school soon, and financial aid. I really want and need to get back to school this fall. I want to finish my certification as a sign language interpreter and then start doing something I LOVE that won't destroy my body, like the work I have done for most of the last 16 years. Hopefully I can conquer my procrastination gene!

Hurt

Short post for today. I just need to vent. I really hate it when someone you have admired and loved and been proud of turns out to just be another big piece of shit. The disappointment and letdown, not to mention the enormous hurt, are astounding. I hate it. With a passion. That is where I am today.

Back to it.

After reading the last comment on my last post from Scott, I figured that I probably better at least check in for the benefit of my 3 regular readers, as well as for a whole slew of people who will probably be checking my blog for updates now.

I am not exactly sure why I haven't been blogging. It may have been because that last post was a real tough one to write, or it may have been just because in my later years, I have started to not like writing, (ask my friends who email me wondering if I am dead yet) or it may have been because of this new project that Kat has started. Who knows. I took a break anyway.

I have been trying to figure out a way to make an update after such a long absence without sounding stupid, and Scott just made it that much easier! LOL Thanks, Scott!

I do have to say that I am glad I took a break for the simple fact that I got some really great, heartfelt, insightful comments on that post. I loved them all! And they did make me think! I love getting other people's perspective on things, it always seems to help, since we are often too close to see our own problems clearly, let alone the solution to them! I really enjoy getting other people's perspectives! I almost always find a way of looking at something I never thought of before! Thanks to all of you who left such great comments and gave me so much to think about and such great encouragement!

I do plan on posting again real soon, maybe even later today! I still need to post about Kat's new project, and maybe a few other things!

What if......

I was sitting outside earlier, thinking, and my mind was doing one of those interesting train of thought things. I won't go into the whole train, but I will start at thinking of my father, as today is Father's day. I got thinking about my mother and about all the weight she has lost recently. I got wondering if he would ever regret letting her go, (I will address that some other time), and I got to wondering if my father ridicules and belittles his new wife about her weight like he did both my mother and I.

Then, I started to wonder what a conversation with my stepmother on that subject would be like. I imagined asking her if she thought my father had told her everything about how he treated my sister and I when we were children? I know he has told her SOME, but am quite certain not all of it. I imagined what it would be like if she asked me what all had happened.

I know she knows about the sexual abuse, at least some of it, anyway. He never really truly abused me physically. My mom had those honors. The most I can remember him doing physically harmful was slapping my mouth once and being so horrified he could never do it again, and spanking both my sister and I with a belt and a brush so hard he left a few marks, which also scared him, and he never touched us in anger again.

My mom was a different story. Most of the abuse from her was physical for me. Horrid beatings. I won't go into them here. At least not right now. Maybe never.

Anyway, I got to imagining that in this conversation with my stepmom, that I would then say, but all of that was by FAR not the worst thing they ever did to me. And here, my father was the most to blame. It was the emotional, mental, and verbal abuse that was by far the most damaging AND insidious.

It does NOT let go. Those tapes play and play and play ad NAUSEUM! Do they ever go away? I don't know. I want to say yes, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the answer is no, you have to learn how to turn them down, and ignore them, and go on and soar higher than ever before.

God, that's easy to say and SO FUCKING HARD TO DO!

Also, I was wondering in this conversation if I then said, what if he had never torn my mother down about her weight? Would she have lost the weight sooner, because she would have gotten the support without derision she needed that she is getting from my stepdad (bless his pea-pickin' heart!) and in so doing have reduced the effects of the weight on her health?

Would the same have happened with me? If he had not derided me every chance he got about every little thing? If he had not tried to control me through abusing me verbally and thus as a result, emotionally and mentally? Would I have lost weight sooner? Would I have even been fat in the first place? Would I have quit smoking long ago? Would I have been farther along in life than I am? And without any of the abuse would I be fighting these demons now? Maybe, maybe not. There is no way to be sure.

But one thing I AM sure of, is that I...DO...NOT...HAVE...TO...STAY...IN...THIS...RUT!!! I can change. Can I erase the past? Hell no! But, I can learn to make it work FOR me instead of AGAINST me! THAT is the challenge that is before me now. Can I conquer it? Stay tuned......

Melancholy Meanderings

I don't plan on doing this very often in this blog, but just to warn you, some of this post will be religious in nature.

Today, I am sad. The tears come unbidden quite easily today. Yesterday, the 92 year old woman that I have been caring for made a very quick, but peaceful and dignified exit, like the lady she is. As I heard it in the movie Fried Green Tomatoes; "Ruth was a lady. And a lady ALWAYS knows when to leave." Well, this lady Gertrude, proved once again that she was a lady, as she knew exactly when to leave, in a very dignified and non-traumatic manner.

As a nurse's aide for 16 years, I have learned to love the ones I care for without getting too attached. It is necessary if you are going to be in this field very long. However, once in a while, there will be one who gets under your skin and you have no defense against it. Gertrude was one of those for me. I adored her from second one. And vice versa. I like to think I made her last few months better for both her and her family.

But, there is a void today, and it's not because I don't have a job now, that will work itself out. It is because even though I know it is for the best, I wasn't ready for Gertrude to leave. So, kind of as a healing balm and a tribute to a lady of the highest order, in my eyes, I say enjoy the reward of a well lived life.

This song will be sung by her son at her funeral later this week, and I cannot think of a better way to honour her right now. This is for you, Gertrude Olive Ames Salt.

Softly and Tenderly

Softly and tenderly Jesus is calling,
Calling for you and for me;
See, on the portals He's waiting and watching,
Watching for you and for me.

Come home, come home,
You who are weary, come home;
Earnestly, tenderly, Jesus is calling,
Calling, O sinner, come home!

Why should we tarry when Jesus is pleading,
Pleading for you and for me?
Why should we linger and heed not His mercies,
Mercies for you and for me?

Come home, come home,
You who are weary, come home;
Earnestly, tenderly, Jesus is calling,
Calling, O sinner, come home!

Time is now fleeting, the moments are passing,
Passing from you and from me;
Shadows are gathering, deathbeds are coming,
Coming for you and for me.

Come home, come home,
You who are weary, come home;
Earnestly, tenderly, Jesus is calling,
Calling, O sinner, come home!

Preening, Primping, and Parading Like a Proud Peacock!

WOOHOO! Check out my new look! All the credit goes to my sweetie, Kat! Thanks honey, for working so hard to make my blog FAB-U-LOUS!!! Hmmmmm, maybe I will go see if I can win a Battle of the Blogs battle, soon, now that my look is totally KICK ASS!!!!!

I'm a Pussy, How About You?

Emo Kid You are 14% Rational, 0% Extroverted, 42% Brutal, and 0% Arrogant.

You are the Emo Kid, best described as a quiet pussy! You tend to be an intuitive rather than a logical thinker, meaning you rely more on your feelings than your thoughts. Not only that, but you are introverted, gentle, and rather humble. You embody all the traits of the perfect emo kid. You are a push-over, an emotional thinker, gentle to the extent of absurdity, and so humble that it even makes Jesus puke. If you write poetry, you no doubt write angsty, syrupy lines about depression, sadness, and other such redundant states of emo-being. Your personality is defective because you are too gentle, rather underconfident in yourself, decidely lacking in any rational thought, and also a bit too inhibited. I probably made you cry, didn't I? Fucking Emo Kid. To put it less negatively: 1. You are more INTUITIVE than rational. 2. You are more INTROVERTED than extroverted. 3. You are more GENTLE than brutal. 4. You are more HUMBLE than arrogant. Compatibility: Your exact opposite is the Smartass. Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Hippie, the Televangelist, and the Starving Artist. * * If you scored near fifty percent for a certain trait (42%-58%), you could very well go either way. For example, someone with 42% Extroversion is slightly leaning towards being an introvert, but is close enough to being an extrovert to be classified that way as well. Below is a list of the other personality types so that you can determine which other possible categories you may fill if you scored near fifty percent for certain traits. The other personality types: The Emo Kid: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Humble. The Starving Artist: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant. The Bitch-Slap: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Humble. The Brute: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant. The Hippie: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble. The Televangelist: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant. The Schoolyard Bully: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble. The Class Clown: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant. The Robot: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Humble. The Haughty Intellectual: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant. The Spiteful Loner: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Humble. The Sociopath: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant. The Hand-Raiser: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble. The Braggart: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant. The Capitalist Pig: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble. The Smartass: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 0% on Rationality You scored higher than 0% on Extroversion You scored higher than 47% on Brutality You scored higher than 0% on Arrogance

Link: The Personality Defect Test written by saint_gasoline on OkCupid Free Online Dating

A Queenly Friend, to be Sure!

I have been very remiss. There is someone who entered our lives a little ways back, who deserves a little recognition here and now.

A little background. We used to live on the coast of Wa state. a little over a year ago, due to circumstances, (this is when the year from hell really began) we had to move back to the east side of the state. Well, we had this roommate, J, who we had always just adored.......until he moved in! LOL Mostly just misunderstandings, but it was tiring nonetheless! Anyway, when we got ready to move, everything that could go wrong did, and to make along story a tad shorter, we ran out of room in our truck, AND our rented storage container there, so J graciously agreed to store the overflow, which included a few priceless and expensive items.

Well, in a few months, we would be thinking, "Gracious, my ASS!" We had tried, unsuccessfully for MONTHS to get a hold of J, to no avail. We even called his mom, to see if he had been re-deployed. (He is in the Navy.) He wasn't, and she assured us she would get him to call us. It's a good thing we didn't hold our breath! Well, we really started thinking he was stealing our stuff at this point, and out of frustration, Kat posted a scathing post about him and a pic of him IN his Navy uni! LMAO

Well, someone commented on her post that she thought she recognized him, as she lived in that town and her hub-unit, (as she calls him) is also in the Navy. She and Kat started exchanging emails, and to our surprise and delight, she DID know him, and led us down the right path of getting the Navy to help us get in touch with J!

Kat went to war! LOL She called the number Queenie had given her, and eventually got to the secretary or the commander of the unit J is in, if I remember right! Kat told her our story, and she promised she would deal with this, and have him call us. That is really all we anted, was a call to know that everything was still ok, both the things and the friendship. Kat also called his mom again and informed her that she had called the Navy in on this, now! Mom FREAKED! Kat was like, "Well, we gave him plenty of opportunities to contact us and for whatever reason he hasn't, so he has left us no recourse."

You guessed it! We got a call from him in like 15-20 mins FLAT! And he said that he was getting calls from everywhere, to CALL US!!! LMAO Toooooo funny! Turns out he is just a procrastinating lazy-ass, (like me) and just never got around to calling! And our stuff is safe and sound and we have peace of mind again! Thanks to Queenie!!! All hail the Queenie!

But that's not all......shit, now I feel like one of those stupid announcer guys on those infomercials, "But, wait, that's not all, along with your order for the amazing Wonder Ass Sucker, we will include free, a custom butt plug and maybe an anal douche or three!"

ANYWAY........Queenie has done something else quite worthy of praise. See, if you look at my past posts, and look at the comments on each one, on almost every single post, there is an encouraging comment from Queenie! She has been with me through the whole birthing process of this blog, and its development, and my blog identity crisis! Along with Kat, she has helped me find my way!

So, to you, Queenie, I say a most heartfelt thanks! And to any of the rest of you still reading, go read Q's blog! She is FUNNY!

Ribbit!

I think an explanation may be in order here. You see that pic of a frog I have in my profile? Well, there is a story behind why I chose to use that particular pic.

Kat and I first met in March or so of 1999. I won't go into our WHOLE story of getting together, but just enough to explain this pic. Anyway, we lost touch soon after that, but got reacquainted again over the 4th of July holiday in 2001. On our first trip over to the west coast of Washington state where I lived, we had quite an interesting time.

I need to back up just a tad and tell you that at the time, Kat was in a very destructive, abusive relationship with an alcoholic man. She was also very ready to get out of the relationship, when I came swooping into town in my yellow "horse" and "shining armour" and saved her from the evil man. (My eyes are so rolling right now; you will understand why, soon) So, we made reference to me being her "prince" and how she had had way too many frogs in her life, and hoping I never ribbited too much. (Now I am about ready to barf! LOL)

Well, on the way over to the coast for a hopefully romantic weekend, and a Mariner's game, I had my first big ribbit. And she said that I was tingeing a little green around the gills! LOL Anyway, we got through that, and I continued to ribbit, mostly little ribbits for oh, the first few months of our relationship.

*Sigh* I guess I don't have to tell you that my ribbits eventually grew in size and duration to the point of being almost unbearable for her. Just the very fact that she has put up with me this long makes her at least a partial saint! Now, I am working very hard at self-discovery and trying to figure these "ribbits" out and why I have them, and hopefully diminishing their presence and influence in my life.

So, that's why I chose the frog pic. As a reminder and a little bit of a joke. Besides, it has a smoke hanging out of its mouth! Also very appropriate!

Kindred Spirits & CARPE DIEM, TOMORROW!

Ok, so here's the deal. I haven't even had the chance to talk to him about this yet, but I think I may have found the very very rare commodity of a male kindred spirit. I don't know why, but most of my kindred spirits tend to be female.

Scott, over at CARPE DIEM, TOMORROW! , stopped by my blog the other day and gave me a short but nice comment. So, I checked out his blog. I was totally taken aback. He is interested in many of the same things I am, such as a deep love for all things Celtic. Plus, I find him to be very real, and funny as HELL! I found myself belly laughing out loud reading his blog, and believe me when I tell you, THAT is also a huge rarity! Plus, I don't know how exactly to put this into words, but I "get" him. I get where he is coming from easily, and actually feel he would "get" me, too. Oh yeah, and he is a searcher, which happens to be another trait of mine that is very dear to my heart! See, I figure, I may be seriously fucked up in some ways, but I figure if I am always willing and open to searching for answers inwardly and outwardly, there is always hope.

So, today, I say thank you, Scott. I may not know you well yet, but I hope to get the chance to call you friend.

But Seriously........

Ok, so after much soul searching, a few comments from great people, and fighting with Kat in IMs, I have decided that I am just going to stay the course. Who knows what will evolve, but won't the journey be fun? I am a searcher......on a long search for the truth that is me.........much needed and long overdue.....

So, before I forget, there was a Dr. Phil show a while back that really affected me. They had on this couple, where the guy was an alcoholic, and the woman would get so mad at him everytime he drank, that she would beat the everlovin' shit out of the guy! Even if he was passed out! There was one scene in particular, where she could have killed him, and really almost did, because instead of calling 911, she beat the shit out of him while he was obviously in major distress. Turns out, his blood alcohol level was something like 3 or 4 times (I think) the legal limit and he almost killed himself by alcohol poisoning. Added to that her beating and the huge amount of time that passed before she called for help and he is a very lucky man to be alive.

Anyway, Dr. Phil brought something up to the woman that slammed into my head like a runaway train hitting another train; he said that the woman had been raised with a father who was an alcoholic who controlled and beat and terorrized her mom and the kids. Then she turned around and married a guy very similar to her dad, EXCEPT for the fact that this was a guy she could do something to; whereas with her father, she wanted to beat him back, to make him stop, to beat HIM to within an inch of his life, she never could of course, so she married a guy that drank like her dad, but that she COULD control and beat and here's the rub, basically, play out the fantasies and work out the frustrations and get revenge ON HER FATHER! She was basically reliving the past, in a way, and changing it to HER advantage. Noone else was going to treat her the way her father had! And in so doing, she became very much like him, minus the alcohol!

Anyway, the point to all of this is that as I was watching this, I suddenly thought to myself; is this what *I* do? Am I doing to "them" what I couldn't do then, to someone else, who does NOT deserve it?????? Very good question. Very hard answer. Of course I am. Does it accomplish ONE FUCKING THING?????? Yep, it sure does! It systematically destroys every close relationship I have, eventually.

Painful step here, but necessary.

A Change May Be in Order

I am at a loss. I wanted this blog to be able to explore this journey of self-examination in detail, and really to be fairly serious. But, I am finding I am jealous of all these great people who have such great, funny blogs that everyone loves. Mine bores people to tears or worse, doesn't even interest anyone at all. Yes, I know, I should do it just for me, but there is truly something about having blog fans. I have watched Kat's blog grow and her list of fans grow and grow and grow. So, what to do? Do I just start writing about funny things? Do I stay the course I started? Or do I maybe find a balance between the two? I don't know.......I just don't know. Yargh! I wish I DID know!

Outrageous, Flawed Humanity

In yesterday's post, I found myself floundering to explain the way I view my parents and how I am able to have any kind of relationship with them.

I started reading the book, The Prince of Tides. While I have never read the book before, I HAVE seen the movie. And from what I have seen so far, they are fairly close in content to each other. Anyway, in the prologue, I was reminded of my favorite quote from the movie. It is also in the book; " Because I needed to love my mother and father in all their flawed, outrageous humanity, I could not afford to address them directly about the felonies commited against all of us." "They, too, had a history - one that I remembered with both tenderness and pain, one that made me forgive their trangressions against their own children. In families, there are no crimes beyond forgiveness."

From the first time I heard those lines, it rang true with me. No, not completely, but yes, for the most part, it did. It still does. That viewpoint allows me to be a little more gentle in my dealings with them. I believe that is necessary.

Now, to be gentler with myself; THAT would be quite the achievement.

Mother's Day BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHG!

Now, if you were visualizing me saying that with my tongue hanging out and an "I just ate something really nasty" expression on my face, you were spot on. I think I am finally in a place where I can post about mother's day, and for that matter, father's day, too.

My whole life has been an exercise in frustration when it came to either of these days, or my parents' b-days. Other holidays were ok because I always had an out. You will understand what I mean soon.

Any typical mother's or father's day or their b-days, you could find me in the card section, with a completely agonized face. Birthdays were not quite as hard, though. There were a few outs. But M day and F day....oh my God, talk about a quandary!

Every goddamned, fucking card I would look at, would just be this really sweet sentiment. Something like, I am so glad you are my parent, and for having me, and for raising me so well....BLAH BLAH BLAH DE FUCKING BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!! There were some years, I would break down into tears because I could NOT find a card. I could never bring myself to get those cards dripping sacharine. If I couldn't find a humourous card, then I had to make one myself. That's all there was to it!

And you know what is funny? I NEVER connected the dots until this year. I was surfing blogs, when I came across this one woman's blog which had an entry about M day that HIT THE FUCKING NAIL ON THE HEAD! The main comment she made that stuck out to me was, while she tried to do the obligatory "good thing" a few times a year for her mom, she had a particularly hard time with M day. She just couldn't hardly hack honouring her tormentor!

YES! THAT'S what has bothered me all these years! Why in the FUCK would I EVER want to honour my tormentors???? NO WONDER I hate those days!

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't hate them. Maybe I should. But, I can't. I cannot allow hate to live in my heart, soul, and mind. I am already an angry ENOUGH person. That would just make it worse. I am also not one of these people who say, "Oh, well, they did the best they could." LIKE FUCK THEY DID!!!!! They didn't even come close. In a lot of cases, they didn't even try.

My parents are a HUGE part of the reason I am an angry, self-doubting, fighting to not be an abuser myself, door-mat with no self-esteem, and why my sister is a manipulative, conniving, cold, calculating, unfeeling BITCH! I would have used the "C" word, but maybe that is a little TOO gritty!

I don't blame every problem my sis and I have on them, not by ANY means, but, they DO have some responsibility for some of it!

What is so strange, though, about all of this is that both my sister and I have at least some relationship with both parents. They have changed. We have changed. I have a better relationship with my mom than my dad, but that is entirely due to the fact that she has tried harder and has changed more.

I am thankful that wounds are being healed, and we are all learning to move on. It is essential for all of us, if any of us are ever to reach wholeness.

But, the fact of what they did to us remains. The scars are deep and ugly. So, as a consequence, I remain unable to give either of my parents sweet wishes, especially on M and F day. A part of me feels really guilty about that, while another part feels very justified. False guilt will not win this day. Not this time.

I think I may have just taken another baby step toward wholeness. WooHoo!

And the Journey Begins

Well, I do believe that my life is about to change in many ways. And I can only think it will be for the better, as I am already a nightmare to live with, love or be close to. No, I am not a complete monster, and I am good at the core, but getting to the core can be quite the trial. But, I do have MANY issues, and I have become a VERY prickly, angry person. I do understand WHY I am this way to a degree, but I don't understand how to change it, just yet.

Well, I think that is about to change. Actually, it probably has already BEEN changing for me to even be at the place in my life where I am ready to deal with some of my biggest demons. I am ready to get back to being the old me, and discovering a better, new me in the process, if that makes any sense at all.

My last post was about Jane Fonda. One thing I probably should have said in that post was that I believe my seeing her on that show was a "God thing". Now, don't get me wrong; I am not a raging right wing conservative Christian. Not by ANY stretch of the imagination! And I am not even sure if I believe in the traditional representation of God per se. But, I DO believe that there is a higher power of some sort, whatever you wish to call him/her.

See, I think Jane Fonda, as strange as it sounds, is going to be a HUGE agent of change in my life. I am finding that she is a LOT deeper and more intellectual than she is given credit for. When she was on that show, she talked about the last book she wrote, called, My Life So Far. I knew I was going to have to get it, but sticking to my strict rule of avoidance of anything hard or painful or life changing, I just kept saying to myself that I would get it sometime in the future.

Well, yesterday, Kat came back from Costco with a present for me. Yup, you guessed it! She bought me the book! DAMN HER! LOL Now, I have to deal. I have a few books and things that I have bought or been given along the way, to help me grow and change, but have just not been in a place in my life where I could handle the journey. This time, it is different. Kat said she went ahead and got me the book because she thinks I am ready for it right here and right now. And she is right. I am. It is going to be hard; it is going to be painful; it is going to be life changing; it is going to be freeing; and I am so fucking ready for all of it!

I am 35 years old. Nobody ever tells us about the mid 30's crisis that happens. We hear all about the mid-life crisis that hits in the mid 40's - mid 50's usually and hits men the hardest usually, but NOONE talks about the mid 30's crisis that happens. And I know it isn't just in my head, because everytime I tell someone what I am going through and my theory of the mid 30's crisis, it never fails that most of them who are either in their 30's or past them tell me that they are going through, or have gone through the same thing! Different, but the same, if you know what I mean.

It is that time in your life, when you are no longer a child, you realize you are no longer a child, that you are in your 30's, and you start to re-evaluate your life, and where you are, where you have come from, and where you are going. That is where I am. I am ready to find and fight those demons, and to deal with them as necessary. Not only am I ready, but I am finally old enough, and have enough tools to be ABLE to do so.

So, I started reading Jane's book today. I only got a couple of paragraphs into the PREFACE and I was bawling. Tears running down my face. She is very honest, very insightful, and very real. Indeed, she is going to be an agent of change in my life. From now until whenever, this blog is probably going to be about my journey along this road a lot. If it bores you, don't feel obligated to read it. But, for the first time in my life, I feel COMPELLED to journal this all. I want it all chronicled. I want to be able to look back at it, and to be able to SEAR these lessons in my heart, mind and soul. I won't be offended if nobody wants to read it. After all, this is for me, and not anyone else. For once in my life, I am going to NOT be a people pleaser!

In my minds eye, I can see that I am going to have to stop a lot while reading this book, and journal my thoughts and feelings. I am not going to do my usual thing of saving it all until the end, because this journey.....THIS journey is much too important for me to forget one tiny little detail.

Obviously, I am already affected by all of this. And I am so grateful. For the first time in a very long time, I.......feel.......hope. I feel something.....other.....than....anger...... And I am thankful. I am humbled. I am broken. And I am ready. Oh ......so.......ready.

A BIG Change in Attitude and Perspective

Here I am at work, if you can call it that. I get paid to take care of one elderly woman. She is very easy most of the time, and even when she is a little work, she is still easy and pleasant. Most of the time, I sit on my fat ass, and watch TV and play online now that I have an ISP for dial-up set up for use here! I am glad, too, because I have some major shit to blog about today! I hope I remember it all! LOL

Anyway, I just finished watching Inside the Actor's Studio, and the guest was none other than the controversial, yet excellent actress, Jane Fonda. Now, Kat and I both love that show, but I have to admit that when I first saw JF was going to be on, I was less than interested and/or excited. So, I really made no point in seeing it the first few times I saw it was on. Today, there was nothing else on TV, so I decided to watch it, and just see what she had to say. I didn't get to see all of it, but I did see most of it.

Now, I am not like a lot of people about JF. I wasn't even aware of her antics in Vietnam until a couple of years ago. So, I never called her Hanoi Jane, or really hated her, like many in our country have. I do understand, however, why people were so mad at her. But, like I always try to remind myself, we do not know the whole story. She is very sorry for what she DID do, and I think she should be forgiven, and we all should move on.

Anyway, while I was watching her on this show, and realizing this woman is much more interesting and complicated than I ever thought, I started to realize I have never seen most of her movies. And then I started to wonder why, and realized that I have harbored a contempt for her for many years! This kind of startled me, and my first thought was that I need to see her movies, as they do chronicle her growth both as an actress, and as a human being.

And then, I started to ponder WHY I had such contempt for her, and basically had boycotted her movies. All of a sudden, it hit me, and I just couldn't help but laugh! See, my real name is Barbara. I always went by Barb, but everyone knew my full name was Barbara. So, among all the other things those evil children tortured me with, namely: Barbie Doll.....hey Barbie, where's Ken?......Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Barbara Ann.......Barbarino (from Welcome Back, Kotter), they ALSO tortured me mercilessly with calling me BARBARELLA incessantly! Well, at first, I didn't know what they were talking about, and then I actually saw the movie.......my jaw dropped, and I was SO offended when I saw the movie and the character JF played that those evil gnomes would call me that! So, I guess, subconsciously, I swore I would never watch another of her movies. And, I never have that I can remember! (I am SERIOUSLY rolling my eyes at myself!)

I just could never take her seriously after that! Well, today, watching her on that show, I really had no choice but to take her seriously. She is an intensely DEEP, and spiritual person, and most interesting! If you ever get the chance to see the show, I would urge you to watch it! She is touching, and real, and she moved my heart.

She also said something that has hit me deeply, and just may have a HUGE impact on my life. She was talking about those of us, including her, that have the overwhelming need to please others constantly. That is a HUGE problem of mine! She said that need has to do with the corresponding need for perfection, which I believe is also connected to the need to control all events around us. But it was her next comment that rocked my world. I don't know if I will remember it exactly, but the essence of it was that in the midst of all of this striving for perfection and the resulting stress, she all of a sudden realized that there is not truly a need for perfection in this life.....only completion!

HOLYFUCKME BATMAN! What a concept! I can't even wrap my mind completely around it yet, but that comment just may help me change my life! Perfection is unattainable. Completion is not only do-able, but I believe necessary!This is something I definitely need to ponder and ruminate on for a while. If I get any new revelations about this, I will definitely share them!

So, another lesson learned. Sometimes doing something I don't want to do, or watching something I don't want to watch, or listening to something I don't want to hear, can result in a possibly life changing experience at best, and at worst, I might waste a little time. In the big scope of things, I think I would rather waste some time, than take the chance of missing out on an opportunity to find something to help me be a better me.

And that's about enough out of me for now....

Ordinary Angels......extraordinary blessings.....

One night, a few days ago, Kat and I were at IHOP having dinner. Now, we hadn't been out to a real sit-down restaurant dinner in AGES, due to the hard times that had befallen us in the past year or so, and we were SERIOUSLY enjoying ourselves! Anyway, something happened that night that just didn't seem to be a big deal at the time, but just keeps growing in my heart and head in importance.

I was sitting there, munching happily away on my chicken strips when all of a sudden, Kat says, "Honey, that lady is about to fall! Why don't you go over and offer to help them. Just tell them that you are a nurse's aide, and have training, because the other lady isn't going to be able to stop her from falling or get her off the floor once she does!" So, I turn and around and look, and sure enough, there is this youngish-looking woman in a booth, turned sideways, and almost sliding out of it onto the floor. (It was hard to really tell her age, due to her sickness, but I got the impression she really wasn't very old.)

So, I did just what Kat had said, I went over and offered to help, and the older lady, who really was quite petite, looked at me gratefully, and said, "Yes, thank you, she really needs to go the bathroom. She just got out of the hospital, and wanted to go eat before we headed back home, and now she needs to get to the bathroom, but she is still so weak, and I forgot to bring her walker."

So, between me and the older woman, (I think she may have been the sick woman's mom) we finally got her up, and I helped her walk to the bathroom VERY slowly, but pretty steadily. I helped her into the stall, and she was strong enough from there, to do the rest, and I told the older woman that I was going back to my table, but that if they needed help again, not to hesitate, to come out and get me, and I would help again. As much as needed, really.

After a bit, they came out and she was walking much better, and the older one said, "Thank you so much, but I think we got it." And they started to head to the door to leave. In another few seconds, the older one came back over to us, and asked me to help again, because the sick one was getting weaker quickly. Kat and I both think she had cancer, and probably had just come from either fighting a relapse of remission, or from a round of chemo.

I walked her out to the curb and the older one went and brought the car up. As I was helping the sick one load into the pasenger seat, I asked the older one if they had someone to help at home.....because we would be quite happy to follow them home and help if need be. She kind of chuckled and said that yes, they had help at home, and besides, they lived in Omak.

I am not exactly sure HOW far away Omak is, but I know it is quite a drive. I told her that we would be happy to follow her and help if need be. She smiled that grateful smile at me again, and assured me again that no, really they had help at home.

So, with that, I finished helping the sick one load in, and made sure she was all tucked in there good for the long drive home, and bid them both adieu, and told them they would certainly be in our prayers, and we sincerely hoped that she felt better soon, and that life would improve for them both. The older one profusely thanked me, and said "God bless you." The relief in her voice, was enormous.

Now, from the title of this entry, you might think that I am referring to myself as being the ordinary angel. Far from it. After I finished helping these two, I came back into the restaurant, and sat back down. I know the look on my face must have been priceless. I told Kat what had transpired, and said that those two probably thought I was an angel sent by God, but the reality was that they were MY angels. They blessed me much more that I was being a blessing to them.

I know my help to them was a HUGE blessing to them, but the opportunity to BE a blessing was a greater service to me than ANYTHING I did for them. See, I am a born helper. I am a good nurse's aide, because I care so deeply and love to care for others. That part of me has been very stifled for over a year due to circumstances, and my heart just soared at this opportunity to serve. I told Kat that those kind of privileges, to help and serve a stranger, didn't come around in life all that often, and I was especially gratefulfor this one as it had helped soften some hardness and coldness I have been developing in response to our desperate circumstances in the past year or so.

So, to my ordinary angels I say "Thank you both, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for being my extraordinary blessings that day!" I truly do wish you the best, and hope from the bottom of my heart that life takes an upswing soon, and many ordinary angels bless you both extraordinarily.

Taking the Plunge

I admit it. I have finally caved in, and am finally joining the blogging craze. As usual, the late joiner. That's ok with me, though. I like it that way. So, I am indeed taking the blogging plunge. Up until real recently, I had NO desire to blog......EVER. My whole life I have tried and tried to journal both on paper and on the computer, to no avail. I hate it. It is too much work to try to keep up on it, and honestly, the enormity of the shit in my head tends to overwhelm me, and I just can't deal with trying to get it all out. It feels like trying to force a big bunch of thick, gritty mud through the smallest opening. It is just too much, so I do my usual thing. Avoidance. You will soon find that avoidance is one of the negative recurring themes in my life.
Oh, and speaking of gritty, I may as well issue a warning about this blog right now before I go any further. I cuss. A lot. Both online and in real life. I am not going to change to suit any readers of this blog. If profanity offends you, please don't read on, because there will more than likely be times when I will make a sailor look tame!
But I digress. I was talking about my aversion to blogging and journaling, etc. Lately, especially the last few days, I have been getting more and more of an urge to start a blog. The reason for that is simple. My girlfriend has a couple of blogs. Her main one is HILARIOUS! She just makes me laugh out loud! I often have choking fits from all the laughing while reading her blog. Well, through her, I have met a couple of other blogger's blogs! All equally hilarious! So, I would get jealous, and want to be as funny and entertaining as them in my own blog. But, alas, I know that could never happen, because while I can appreciate their humour and the way they see things, to have that come from me just really isn't possible. Not that I am humourless. Far from it. But, my humour tends to be much milder. I am a VERY serious person. Yes, sometimes a little TOO serious, but, I really don't mind being that way. Not that I am boring, either. There will be humour in this blog......but not NEAR as much or as raucous of humour as the others I mentioned.
So, why did I finally decide to blog? Well, simple really. Um, no, not simple.....anyway.....interspersed in the best of these hilarious blogs are some of the most touching and thought provoking moments of introspection and growth, etc that I have ever seen. These very funny people CAN get serious on occasion. And when they do, watch out! It probably means I am going to be challenged to grow and it probably isn't going to be real pleasant. Such is what happened earlier tonight. I was reading Kim's blog, and she had a very serious and somewhat sad post. It made me ache, and really brought home what has been happening to me while reading blogs these last few days. My head has been getting so inundated with thoughts and such, that I am finding it hard to function! So, I guess I will start a blog. That seems to be the way to go. I just need to remind myself that I don't need to put a bunch of pressure on myself to make it just so. I just need to be me, in all my very flawed humanity. There are no rules here. Only possibilities. If I remember that, maybe I won't get so overwhelmed!
Speaking of which, I am starting to feel overwhelmed so I am going to quit for now.