I was sitting outside earlier, thinking, and my mind was doing one of those interesting train of thought things. I won't go into the whole train, but I will start at thinking of my father, as today is Father's day. I got thinking about my mother and about all the weight she has lost recently. I got wondering if he would ever regret letting her go, (I will address that some other time), and I got to wondering if my father ridicules and belittles his new wife about her weight like he did both my mother and I.
Then, I started to wonder what a conversation with my stepmother on that subject would be like. I imagined asking her if she thought my father had told her everything about how he treated my sister and I when we were children? I know he has told her SOME, but am quite certain not all of it. I imagined what it would be like if she asked me what all had happened.
I know she knows about the sexual abuse, at least some of it, anyway. He never really truly abused me physically. My mom had those honors. The most I can remember him doing physically harmful was slapping my mouth once and being so horrified he could never do it again, and spanking both my sister and I with a belt and a brush so hard he left a few marks, which also scared him, and he never touched us in anger again.
My mom was a different story. Most of the abuse from her was physical for me. Horrid beatings. I won't go into them here. At least not right now. Maybe never.
Anyway, I got to imagining that in this conversation with my stepmom, that I would then say, but all of that was by FAR not the worst thing they ever did to me. And here, my father was the most to blame. It was the emotional, mental, and verbal abuse that was by far the most damaging AND insidious.
It does NOT let go. Those tapes play and play and play ad NAUSEUM! Do they ever go away? I don't know. I want to say yes, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the answer is no, you have to learn how to turn them down, and ignore them, and go on and soar higher than ever before.
God, that's easy to say and SO FUCKING HARD TO DO!
Also, I was wondering in this conversation if I then said, what if he had never torn my mother down about her weight? Would she have lost the weight sooner, because she would have gotten the support without derision she needed that she is getting from my stepdad (bless his pea-pickin' heart!) and in so doing have reduced the effects of the weight on her health?
Would the same have happened with me? If he had not derided me every chance he got about every little thing? If he had not tried to control me through abusing me verbally and thus as a result, emotionally and mentally? Would I have lost weight sooner? Would I have even been fat in the first place? Would I have quit smoking long ago? Would I have been farther along in life than I am? And without any of the abuse would I be fighting these demons now? Maybe, maybe not. There is no way to be sure.
But one thing I AM sure of, is that I...DO...NOT...HAVE...TO...STAY...IN...THIS...RUT!!! I can change. Can I erase the past? Hell no! But, I can learn to make it work FOR me instead of AGAINST me! THAT is the challenge that is before me now. Can I conquer it? Stay tuned......
About Me
- Butchy
- About me? Well.....there is a guinea pig to my left and a window to my right. Yup, that's about it!
10 comments:
"Every experience, bad or good, is a stepping stone to an eventually better you"
That's my own quote. I use it every day.
my mother once said to me, that it is our resilience that will carry us through if we let it. the very fact that you ask these questions show you are still fighting back.
You know what, I bet just about every woman in the world can identify with what you've said on some level. I'm constantly amazed at how many women have experienced emotional or physical abuse in their families.
I tried blogging about it myself early on, but it's so hard to get those images and feelings across.
http://junocarlson.blogspot.com/2005/05/art-and-math-workbook.html
Anyway, you say it perfectly when you talk about making it work for you and not against you. Well done!
Here's to you and all the wonderful women out there who have used these experiences to reinvent themselves and to discover their own magic!
The answer is to forgive. Not to 'forget' neccesarily but to forgive. All of us are just as guilty in and through our own actions that we need to be forgiven and in turn need to forgive others.
My father never saw me even once. I, in turn, never saw him. That did not preclude abuse of sorts. When I was around 10 yrs old I asked if I could meet him and he wrote a letter back disowning me. That had such a devistating effect on me. Why did he hate me? I had no answer and that was the last communication from the man.
It was years later I found that by forgiving him (I've done so more than once, and am forced to do so as I write this.) I was set free from the bad emotions and instead find a kind of pity for the man. He never knew what he missed by not taking the opportunity to meet his flesh and blood. More his loss than mine.
Now I will personalize it for both of us and hope you don't mind my presumptuousness...
They must have had their own set of demons that drove them to do as they have done.
May the Living God show mercy to their souls as our souls are relieved of fear, hate, anger, and sadness. May those be replaced with love, joy and peace. May this be accomplished quickly and for free. (Scottish blood)... Amen....
Hey, thanks for voting for my blog on Battle of the Blogs. I lost though. You're blog is pretty nice! I will be sure to vote for it if I see it in a battle!
Always forgive, never forget.
Yes! You CAN conquer it!
i'm not sure i agree with the "forgive" sentiments - i see it as more of an acceptance that that is what the person/situation was, and moving on from that.
not sure if that was very articulate, but good luck on your journey
Hello sister..thank you for sharing this post as heart wrenching as it is. Saying to forgive but not forget is another of those things easier to say than to do. You have the perfect attitude to take this and make yourself a better person for it. It's a very long hard road with lots of pot holes and detours and some u-turns even. But keep working at it day by day. These experiences make you the person you are today...it is your choice if that person is going to be positive or negative from your experiences. I hope you continue toward the positive side.
Carpe Diem Butchy, where the hell are you anyway? You have gone very quiet and I thought I was bad
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