But Seriously........

Ok, so after much soul searching, a few comments from great people, and fighting with Kat in IMs, I have decided that I am just going to stay the course. Who knows what will evolve, but won't the journey be fun? I am a searcher......on a long search for the truth that is me.........much needed and long overdue.....

So, before I forget, there was a Dr. Phil show a while back that really affected me. They had on this couple, where the guy was an alcoholic, and the woman would get so mad at him everytime he drank, that she would beat the everlovin' shit out of the guy! Even if he was passed out! There was one scene in particular, where she could have killed him, and really almost did, because instead of calling 911, she beat the shit out of him while he was obviously in major distress. Turns out, his blood alcohol level was something like 3 or 4 times (I think) the legal limit and he almost killed himself by alcohol poisoning. Added to that her beating and the huge amount of time that passed before she called for help and he is a very lucky man to be alive.

Anyway, Dr. Phil brought something up to the woman that slammed into my head like a runaway train hitting another train; he said that the woman had been raised with a father who was an alcoholic who controlled and beat and terorrized her mom and the kids. Then she turned around and married a guy very similar to her dad, EXCEPT for the fact that this was a guy she could do something to; whereas with her father, she wanted to beat him back, to make him stop, to beat HIM to within an inch of his life, she never could of course, so she married a guy that drank like her dad, but that she COULD control and beat and here's the rub, basically, play out the fantasies and work out the frustrations and get revenge ON HER FATHER! She was basically reliving the past, in a way, and changing it to HER advantage. Noone else was going to treat her the way her father had! And in so doing, she became very much like him, minus the alcohol!

Anyway, the point to all of this is that as I was watching this, I suddenly thought to myself; is this what *I* do? Am I doing to "them" what I couldn't do then, to someone else, who does NOT deserve it?????? Very good question. Very hard answer. Of course I am. Does it accomplish ONE FUCKING THING?????? Yep, it sure does! It systematically destroys every close relationship I have, eventually.

Painful step here, but necessary.