Per Kim's request, and before Scott bursts a bloodvessel in his head, I am going to attempt a post. Like I said to Kim in my comments on the last post, there is so much going on, and such, that everytime I try to post, I just get totally overwhelmed, so I am going to try to stick to just one or two topics for now, and see if I can get something written that way.
One of the reasons I have been incommunicado is because getting used to Kat's new job and hours has been quite the strain for both of us. Trying to keep things in order for her, and taking care of her has taken up a good amount of time.
Another one of the reasons that I have been incommunicado is because of my health status. Around the first of Sept, I was diagnosed with having fibroid tumors in my uterus, and told that most likely, since my symptoms are disruptive and such, that I will probably require a hysterectomy.
I am 36 years old. Does this bother me? No, not particularly. At least not on the front you might expect. I have never wanted children. I have a lot of reasons for that, which I am sure I will be writing about soon, since everything seems to be overlapping for the time being. So, I am really not going to mind losing my useless baby factory parts. I am REALLY not going to mind losing the awful monthly rituals, either.
BUT!!!!!! And this is one huge but. I really do not relish the thought of ANY kind of surgery. See, I have this HUGE fear of death. It is so hard to write about this, because it goes so deep. Anyway, fear of death. Yeah. When I was a deeply religious Christian, and had blind faith, I had no fear of death. There was NO question in my mind that there was an afterlife, and that I would be spending it in "heaven". Whatever the fuck that was!
Well, when I FINALLY came out of the closet, (in the middle of Bible College, mind you) I ended up losing my faith. That was 8 years ago. I still can't find it. I struggle. I search. But, I know I can never return to the way I was before. I can never have blind faith again. I just can't do it. I need proof. Starting to see my dillemma?
People that can have blind faith do not fear death. People who have had those awesome near death experiences do not fear death. People who have seen and/or interacted with ghosts/spirits do not fear death. I, however, do. Why? Because I cannot have blind faith, and because I have never experienced the other two. Not that I necessarily want a NDE. I wouldn't mind seeing a ghost or spirit, though. But, see I have nothing to base any faith in an afterlife on.
And then I start pondering the different forms the afterlife could take. First, if there isn't an afterlife at all, then what? Non-existence? And, as stupid as this sounds, the thought of being non-existant terrifies me. Then, I think what about the heaven and hell thing? HOW THE HELL DO WE REALLY KNOW WHICH IS THE RIGHT WAY??? And believe me, being gay, that is an extremely valid question. And don't tell me the answer lies in the Bible. I cannot have blind faith in the Bible either, because it has been translated by HUMANS!!!!
And then I think about reincarnation, which used to calm me some, until I realized, if there IS such a thing as reincarnation, I do not remember a single thing about any past life, or what sort of person I was, or any lessons I may have already learned. I do have feelings of familiarity, which makes me think maybe there is truth in the idea of reincarnation. But, if we don't remember anything from life to life, then WHAT IS THE POINT???? It is the same as non-existance then.
And then, my mind just keeps spinning and spinning right back to the thought of what if I don't wake up from the anesthesia this time? I am in much poorer health now than I was for my only other surgery. Will my heart give out? Will that be it for me? I am too young. I am not ready.
So, that's a little piece of what I have been dealing with. I will try to post more. (Did you hear that Scott?) I realize I have got to get all this shit out of my head. It is driving me insane. There is a ton more where this came from. I also have some funny stories to tell, so maybe I will weave those in between these deep dark posts. *sigh* I make myself very tired.
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2 comments:
To start this, I want to congratulate you for posting. I think each and every one of us struggle with writer's block, pushing through it is the only way. You have to ALWAYS remember that this is YOUR blog! Whatever you write is ok! Look at me, I did a post about the joy of farting! God.
Which brings us to the next topic, God. I am sure you realize that you are not the only one who struggles with the absence of blind faith. I haven't believed in much of anything in a very long time, but it's ok. We go through phases in life, sometimes we have belief and others... well, we don't. Spirituality is a very personal thing and there are many factors that contribute to the belief system, bottom line? Whatever you believe or don't believe is ok! Alleviate the guilt you have over the issue first, then set about the business of finding something that brings you peace.
I cannot fathom telling someone what to believe, but I CAN tell them to use a practical and pragmatic mind to discover what that should be. If you approach the matter from a state of mind that focuses on EDUCATING yourself to the different philosophies, then you will prepare your mind to be accepting to the subtle nuances that exist in each one. I don't follow an exact course of religion, mine is created BY me, a hodgepodge of ideas and theory that brings me happiness. Who knows? For all we know we are all decendents of alien monkey fuckers, but what difference does it make? It is what we choose to believe or give worth to that matters. Find your own belief... Then get your ass to the doctor and make yourself healthy. Don't discard the SOUND advice of opinions offered to you based on fact. Your doctor's reccommendations are based on very real and sound history, proven over and over again by millions of women, you can BELIEVE that what they are saying is real and trust that you will be fine on all related accounts. The fear of death is not unique Butchy, and neither is the fear of the unknown, but sticking your head in the sand and ignoring sound medical advice because of it, is. Don't let this be an excuse to simply not deal with your issues. Like posting when you have writers block, the first step in realizing your fears is to push through them.
And remember, we are ALL here for you. Love Kim
Thanks, Kim. I didn't even realize it was writer's block! LOL I was under the assumption that writer's block was when you had nothing to write about, not that you had TOO much to write about. But, it makes sense. I know this is my blog, but, I think a part of me wishes I could be more humorous and interesting like other bloggers. *sigh* Sometimes I feel like I am too serious for words.
Anyway, I know I am not the only person with these struggles and fears. Not by a long shot! It is just where I am right now. And, I am also carving out the same kind of spirituality as you are. My mind has become very open and questioning, and wanting to know how ALL religions and spirituality works. Then, from that knowledge, I decide what works for me. Sometimes, I DO wish I could go back to the simplicity of blind faith and simple religious Christianity.
I didn't plan on ignoring my doctor's advice at all. I WILL have the surgery. Not exactly sure when, due to changing circumstances, but I WILL have it done within the next 6 months. The tumors are not life threatening per se, just a huge nuisance, with the symptoms they cause. I am also planning on telling the surgeon about my fears and anxieties, so that maybe we can treat them and keep my blood pressure down and such when it is time for surgery.
But, you DID hit on a possibility with me that I need to be very careful of. It is very much in my nature to just ignore that which scares me, or overwhelms me. I need to be on guard against that. See, you hit on another subject that I really need to post about in length. The subject of fears and whether I control them, or they control me.
Kim, thank you for your support, and care. It truly means a lot to me. Trust me, I will keep you all informed about what is happening and when the surgery ends up being.
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