Mother's Day BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHG!

Now, if you were visualizing me saying that with my tongue hanging out and an "I just ate something really nasty" expression on my face, you were spot on. I think I am finally in a place where I can post about mother's day, and for that matter, father's day, too.

My whole life has been an exercise in frustration when it came to either of these days, or my parents' b-days. Other holidays were ok because I always had an out. You will understand what I mean soon.

Any typical mother's or father's day or their b-days, you could find me in the card section, with a completely agonized face. Birthdays were not quite as hard, though. There were a few outs. But M day and F day....oh my God, talk about a quandary!

Every goddamned, fucking card I would look at, would just be this really sweet sentiment. Something like, I am so glad you are my parent, and for having me, and for raising me so well....BLAH BLAH BLAH DE FUCKING BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!! There were some years, I would break down into tears because I could NOT find a card. I could never bring myself to get those cards dripping sacharine. If I couldn't find a humourous card, then I had to make one myself. That's all there was to it!

And you know what is funny? I NEVER connected the dots until this year. I was surfing blogs, when I came across this one woman's blog which had an entry about M day that HIT THE FUCKING NAIL ON THE HEAD! The main comment she made that stuck out to me was, while she tried to do the obligatory "good thing" a few times a year for her mom, she had a particularly hard time with M day. She just couldn't hardly hack honouring her tormentor!

YES! THAT'S what has bothered me all these years! Why in the FUCK would I EVER want to honour my tormentors???? NO WONDER I hate those days!

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't hate them. Maybe I should. But, I can't. I cannot allow hate to live in my heart, soul, and mind. I am already an angry ENOUGH person. That would just make it worse. I am also not one of these people who say, "Oh, well, they did the best they could." LIKE FUCK THEY DID!!!!! They didn't even come close. In a lot of cases, they didn't even try.

My parents are a HUGE part of the reason I am an angry, self-doubting, fighting to not be an abuser myself, door-mat with no self-esteem, and why my sister is a manipulative, conniving, cold, calculating, unfeeling BITCH! I would have used the "C" word, but maybe that is a little TOO gritty!

I don't blame every problem my sis and I have on them, not by ANY means, but, they DO have some responsibility for some of it!

What is so strange, though, about all of this is that both my sister and I have at least some relationship with both parents. They have changed. We have changed. I have a better relationship with my mom than my dad, but that is entirely due to the fact that she has tried harder and has changed more.

I am thankful that wounds are being healed, and we are all learning to move on. It is essential for all of us, if any of us are ever to reach wholeness.

But, the fact of what they did to us remains. The scars are deep and ugly. So, as a consequence, I remain unable to give either of my parents sweet wishes, especially on M and F day. A part of me feels really guilty about that, while another part feels very justified. False guilt will not win this day. Not this time.

I think I may have just taken another baby step toward wholeness. WooHoo!