Outrageous, Flawed Humanity

In yesterday's post, I found myself floundering to explain the way I view my parents and how I am able to have any kind of relationship with them.

I started reading the book, The Prince of Tides. While I have never read the book before, I HAVE seen the movie. And from what I have seen so far, they are fairly close in content to each other. Anyway, in the prologue, I was reminded of my favorite quote from the movie. It is also in the book; " Because I needed to love my mother and father in all their flawed, outrageous humanity, I could not afford to address them directly about the felonies commited against all of us." "They, too, had a history - one that I remembered with both tenderness and pain, one that made me forgive their trangressions against their own children. In families, there are no crimes beyond forgiveness."

From the first time I heard those lines, it rang true with me. No, not completely, but yes, for the most part, it did. It still does. That viewpoint allows me to be a little more gentle in my dealings with them. I believe that is necessary.

Now, to be gentler with myself; THAT would be quite the achievement.

Mother's Day BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHG!

Now, if you were visualizing me saying that with my tongue hanging out and an "I just ate something really nasty" expression on my face, you were spot on. I think I am finally in a place where I can post about mother's day, and for that matter, father's day, too.

My whole life has been an exercise in frustration when it came to either of these days, or my parents' b-days. Other holidays were ok because I always had an out. You will understand what I mean soon.

Any typical mother's or father's day or their b-days, you could find me in the card section, with a completely agonized face. Birthdays were not quite as hard, though. There were a few outs. But M day and F day....oh my God, talk about a quandary!

Every goddamned, fucking card I would look at, would just be this really sweet sentiment. Something like, I am so glad you are my parent, and for having me, and for raising me so well....BLAH BLAH BLAH DE FUCKING BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!! There were some years, I would break down into tears because I could NOT find a card. I could never bring myself to get those cards dripping sacharine. If I couldn't find a humourous card, then I had to make one myself. That's all there was to it!

And you know what is funny? I NEVER connected the dots until this year. I was surfing blogs, when I came across this one woman's blog which had an entry about M day that HIT THE FUCKING NAIL ON THE HEAD! The main comment she made that stuck out to me was, while she tried to do the obligatory "good thing" a few times a year for her mom, she had a particularly hard time with M day. She just couldn't hardly hack honouring her tormentor!

YES! THAT'S what has bothered me all these years! Why in the FUCK would I EVER want to honour my tormentors???? NO WONDER I hate those days!

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't hate them. Maybe I should. But, I can't. I cannot allow hate to live in my heart, soul, and mind. I am already an angry ENOUGH person. That would just make it worse. I am also not one of these people who say, "Oh, well, they did the best they could." LIKE FUCK THEY DID!!!!! They didn't even come close. In a lot of cases, they didn't even try.

My parents are a HUGE part of the reason I am an angry, self-doubting, fighting to not be an abuser myself, door-mat with no self-esteem, and why my sister is a manipulative, conniving, cold, calculating, unfeeling BITCH! I would have used the "C" word, but maybe that is a little TOO gritty!

I don't blame every problem my sis and I have on them, not by ANY means, but, they DO have some responsibility for some of it!

What is so strange, though, about all of this is that both my sister and I have at least some relationship with both parents. They have changed. We have changed. I have a better relationship with my mom than my dad, but that is entirely due to the fact that she has tried harder and has changed more.

I am thankful that wounds are being healed, and we are all learning to move on. It is essential for all of us, if any of us are ever to reach wholeness.

But, the fact of what they did to us remains. The scars are deep and ugly. So, as a consequence, I remain unable to give either of my parents sweet wishes, especially on M and F day. A part of me feels really guilty about that, while another part feels very justified. False guilt will not win this day. Not this time.

I think I may have just taken another baby step toward wholeness. WooHoo!

And the Journey Begins

Well, I do believe that my life is about to change in many ways. And I can only think it will be for the better, as I am already a nightmare to live with, love or be close to. No, I am not a complete monster, and I am good at the core, but getting to the core can be quite the trial. But, I do have MANY issues, and I have become a VERY prickly, angry person. I do understand WHY I am this way to a degree, but I don't understand how to change it, just yet.

Well, I think that is about to change. Actually, it probably has already BEEN changing for me to even be at the place in my life where I am ready to deal with some of my biggest demons. I am ready to get back to being the old me, and discovering a better, new me in the process, if that makes any sense at all.

My last post was about Jane Fonda. One thing I probably should have said in that post was that I believe my seeing her on that show was a "God thing". Now, don't get me wrong; I am not a raging right wing conservative Christian. Not by ANY stretch of the imagination! And I am not even sure if I believe in the traditional representation of God per se. But, I DO believe that there is a higher power of some sort, whatever you wish to call him/her.

See, I think Jane Fonda, as strange as it sounds, is going to be a HUGE agent of change in my life. I am finding that she is a LOT deeper and more intellectual than she is given credit for. When she was on that show, she talked about the last book she wrote, called, My Life So Far. I knew I was going to have to get it, but sticking to my strict rule of avoidance of anything hard or painful or life changing, I just kept saying to myself that I would get it sometime in the future.

Well, yesterday, Kat came back from Costco with a present for me. Yup, you guessed it! She bought me the book! DAMN HER! LOL Now, I have to deal. I have a few books and things that I have bought or been given along the way, to help me grow and change, but have just not been in a place in my life where I could handle the journey. This time, it is different. Kat said she went ahead and got me the book because she thinks I am ready for it right here and right now. And she is right. I am. It is going to be hard; it is going to be painful; it is going to be life changing; it is going to be freeing; and I am so fucking ready for all of it!

I am 35 years old. Nobody ever tells us about the mid 30's crisis that happens. We hear all about the mid-life crisis that hits in the mid 40's - mid 50's usually and hits men the hardest usually, but NOONE talks about the mid 30's crisis that happens. And I know it isn't just in my head, because everytime I tell someone what I am going through and my theory of the mid 30's crisis, it never fails that most of them who are either in their 30's or past them tell me that they are going through, or have gone through the same thing! Different, but the same, if you know what I mean.

It is that time in your life, when you are no longer a child, you realize you are no longer a child, that you are in your 30's, and you start to re-evaluate your life, and where you are, where you have come from, and where you are going. That is where I am. I am ready to find and fight those demons, and to deal with them as necessary. Not only am I ready, but I am finally old enough, and have enough tools to be ABLE to do so.

So, I started reading Jane's book today. I only got a couple of paragraphs into the PREFACE and I was bawling. Tears running down my face. She is very honest, very insightful, and very real. Indeed, she is going to be an agent of change in my life. From now until whenever, this blog is probably going to be about my journey along this road a lot. If it bores you, don't feel obligated to read it. But, for the first time in my life, I feel COMPELLED to journal this all. I want it all chronicled. I want to be able to look back at it, and to be able to SEAR these lessons in my heart, mind and soul. I won't be offended if nobody wants to read it. After all, this is for me, and not anyone else. For once in my life, I am going to NOT be a people pleaser!

In my minds eye, I can see that I am going to have to stop a lot while reading this book, and journal my thoughts and feelings. I am not going to do my usual thing of saving it all until the end, because this journey.....THIS journey is much too important for me to forget one tiny little detail.

Obviously, I am already affected by all of this. And I am so grateful. For the first time in a very long time, I.......feel.......hope. I feel something.....other.....than....anger...... And I am thankful. I am humbled. I am broken. And I am ready. Oh ......so.......ready.