Ok, it seems I have acquired a troll. I know who it is, but I refuse to give the ass any more attention and I certainly won't give him any traffic by mentioning the asses name. I am just going to say a couple of things to the ugly fucker; first of all, FUCK OFF! Second of all, you can keep putting your asshole comments here all you want, and I will keep deleting them. You will not exist in my world. If I had a way to keep you away from my blog altogether, I would. But, I don't, so this will have to do. And oh yeah, FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I want to apologize to everyone else. I will get back to regular posts soon!
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Isn't it Ironic?
When I was in school, I was always kind of the oddball out. I fit in everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. Part of that was my budding, but duly repressed sexuality. I never dated. I kind of half-heartedly tried to get laid a couple of times. I just could never go through with it. So, resigned myself to going to the occasional dance with guys that were friends only. You might think the problem was that I found myself attracted to girls. But, no, you would be wrong. My repression was so successful, that I was not attracted to girls OR guys.
High school was a very confusing time for me. You know how it is. All those cliques. Again, I fit in them all, and none of them all at the same time. And my journey through high school was very interesting because of it. If I had continued on the path I started in my freshman year, I would probably be in jail right now. I spent most of the year in in-house detention, spent a good portion of the year drunk or high or both, and ended the year with a 1.9 GPA.
My sophomore year began much the same way, until I pulled my head out of my ass, took a deep breath, and realized I was ruining my life. So, I quit the weed, I limited any drinking to weekends only, and started to really knuckle down. I took extra classes and really kept my nose to the grindstone, and between the rest of that year and my junior year, which I spent much the same way, I got caught up with credits and such, and could relax a little bit.
I also decided that senior year was going to be MY year. I got involved in all kinds of things. Being a fairly shy person in new settings, I surprised myself by entering the talent show; by myself. (Most everybody else was in pairs or groups.) I easily could have made a fool of myself, but I didn't care. As it turns out, I didn't win the contest, but I did win some popularity and acclaim for being "brave". I also tried out for, and made the big musical. No, my parts weren't huge, because I was also playing in the band. (yes, I was a band geek.) But, again, I had a blast!
The other thing I had decided I was going to do was "be normal" and go to my senior prom if it killed me. There were several obstacles to this, but for this story, I am going to focus on only one. The first hurdle; having someone to go with.
I knew I was not going to be asked. So, that left me with doing the asking. I knew I didn't want to be rejected, so I decided to ask a guy I was friends with in the band, and that I had known for a long time. Since grade school, really. He was a freshman. So, my chances were good that he would say yes, as it was quite the status symbol to be going to the senior prom as a freshman, even if I WAS fat and not exactly pretty.
So, I endeavored to ask him. His name was John Stewart. One day, in the middle of the biggest hall there, I saw him, and went to where he was. I was terribly nervous. We kind of chit-chatted for a little while and then I started hemming and hawing;
Me: Well, (ahem) there was something I wanted to ask you, John.
John: Ok, go ahead.
Me: Well, you know how I am a senior, right?
John: Duh! And I am freshman, so what?
Me: Well, (ahem) (cough cough) the senior prom is only a couple of months away now, and uh (choke) (ahem) (cough cough) I was wondering if you would be interested in going with me, just as friends, of course. (By now, my face was CRIMSON! And I really wanted to die!)
John: (With a really, really strange look on his face) Well, I truly didn't expect that.
Me: (Melting into an embarrassed, quivering, pile of nerves.) Um, (ahem) yeah, well, I understand, I'm just going to go die now! ( I start to slink away)
John: NO WAIT! You just took me off guard a little bit, that's all. Yes, I would LOVE to go to the senior prom with you. (By the way, he knew how badly I wanted to go and just be "normal" for once) I do have one condition, though. (And here, he got the most mischievous grin on his face.)
Me: Ok, what is it?
John: (Looking like a pure devil) You have to promise me one thing.
Me: (Looking truly terrified) Okkkkkkk.........
John: (I swear devil horns came out of his head at this point) You have to promise to NEVER! EVER! EVER! WHITEWASH ME AGAIN!
Me: (Completely confused and bewildered, staring at him with my mouth wide open, realization dawning in my clouded brain of forgotten times.) OH......MY......GOD!!!!!! I had completely forgotten!!!!
John: (Smugly) I didn't, and I have been waiting for the perfect time to needle you with it, and finally it presented itself.
Me: (Thoroughly embarrassed and humiliated, and sounding very sheepish) John, I am so sorry. Of course, I will never whitewash you again. (Hanging my head)
John: (Laughing his head off now) I knew you had forgotten! (Hugs me spontaneously) Don't feel too bad. We were just kids who did stupid things all the time, that later we tend to regret, but let me tell you, the look on your face was worth every red mark on my face from that snow! So, since I have your promise, yes, I would be more than honoured to go to the prom with you.
High school was a very confusing time for me. You know how it is. All those cliques. Again, I fit in them all, and none of them all at the same time. And my journey through high school was very interesting because of it. If I had continued on the path I started in my freshman year, I would probably be in jail right now. I spent most of the year in in-house detention, spent a good portion of the year drunk or high or both, and ended the year with a 1.9 GPA.
My sophomore year began much the same way, until I pulled my head out of my ass, took a deep breath, and realized I was ruining my life. So, I quit the weed, I limited any drinking to weekends only, and started to really knuckle down. I took extra classes and really kept my nose to the grindstone, and between the rest of that year and my junior year, which I spent much the same way, I got caught up with credits and such, and could relax a little bit.
I also decided that senior year was going to be MY year. I got involved in all kinds of things. Being a fairly shy person in new settings, I surprised myself by entering the talent show; by myself. (Most everybody else was in pairs or groups.) I easily could have made a fool of myself, but I didn't care. As it turns out, I didn't win the contest, but I did win some popularity and acclaim for being "brave". I also tried out for, and made the big musical. No, my parts weren't huge, because I was also playing in the band. (yes, I was a band geek.) But, again, I had a blast!
The other thing I had decided I was going to do was "be normal" and go to my senior prom if it killed me. There were several obstacles to this, but for this story, I am going to focus on only one. The first hurdle; having someone to go with.
I knew I was not going to be asked. So, that left me with doing the asking. I knew I didn't want to be rejected, so I decided to ask a guy I was friends with in the band, and that I had known for a long time. Since grade school, really. He was a freshman. So, my chances were good that he would say yes, as it was quite the status symbol to be going to the senior prom as a freshman, even if I WAS fat and not exactly pretty.
So, I endeavored to ask him. His name was John Stewart. One day, in the middle of the biggest hall there, I saw him, and went to where he was. I was terribly nervous. We kind of chit-chatted for a little while and then I started hemming and hawing;
Me: Well, (ahem) there was something I wanted to ask you, John.
John: Ok, go ahead.
Me: Well, you know how I am a senior, right?
John: Duh! And I am freshman, so what?
Me: Well, (ahem) (cough cough) the senior prom is only a couple of months away now, and uh (choke) (ahem) (cough cough) I was wondering if you would be interested in going with me, just as friends, of course. (By now, my face was CRIMSON! And I really wanted to die!)
John: (With a really, really strange look on his face) Well, I truly didn't expect that.
Me: (Melting into an embarrassed, quivering, pile of nerves.) Um, (ahem) yeah, well, I understand, I'm just going to go die now! ( I start to slink away)
John: NO WAIT! You just took me off guard a little bit, that's all. Yes, I would LOVE to go to the senior prom with you. (By the way, he knew how badly I wanted to go and just be "normal" for once) I do have one condition, though. (And here, he got the most mischievous grin on his face.)
Me: Ok, what is it?
John: (Looking like a pure devil) You have to promise me one thing.
Me: (Looking truly terrified) Okkkkkkk.........
John: (I swear devil horns came out of his head at this point) You have to promise to NEVER! EVER! EVER! WHITEWASH ME AGAIN!
Me: (Completely confused and bewildered, staring at him with my mouth wide open, realization dawning in my clouded brain of forgotten times.) OH......MY......GOD!!!!!! I had completely forgotten!!!!
John: (Smugly) I didn't, and I have been waiting for the perfect time to needle you with it, and finally it presented itself.
Me: (Thoroughly embarrassed and humiliated, and sounding very sheepish) John, I am so sorry. Of course, I will never whitewash you again. (Hanging my head)
John: (Laughing his head off now) I knew you had forgotten! (Hugs me spontaneously) Don't feel too bad. We were just kids who did stupid things all the time, that later we tend to regret, but let me tell you, the look on your face was worth every red mark on my face from that snow! So, since I have your promise, yes, I would be more than honoured to go to the prom with you.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Pushing Through the Muck
Per Kim's request, and before Scott bursts a bloodvessel in his head, I am going to attempt a post. Like I said to Kim in my comments on the last post, there is so much going on, and such, that everytime I try to post, I just get totally overwhelmed, so I am going to try to stick to just one or two topics for now, and see if I can get something written that way.
One of the reasons I have been incommunicado is because getting used to Kat's new job and hours has been quite the strain for both of us. Trying to keep things in order for her, and taking care of her has taken up a good amount of time.
Another one of the reasons that I have been incommunicado is because of my health status. Around the first of Sept, I was diagnosed with having fibroid tumors in my uterus, and told that most likely, since my symptoms are disruptive and such, that I will probably require a hysterectomy.
I am 36 years old. Does this bother me? No, not particularly. At least not on the front you might expect. I have never wanted children. I have a lot of reasons for that, which I am sure I will be writing about soon, since everything seems to be overlapping for the time being. So, I am really not going to mind losing my useless baby factory parts. I am REALLY not going to mind losing the awful monthly rituals, either.
BUT!!!!!! And this is one huge but. I really do not relish the thought of ANY kind of surgery. See, I have this HUGE fear of death. It is so hard to write about this, because it goes so deep. Anyway, fear of death. Yeah. When I was a deeply religious Christian, and had blind faith, I had no fear of death. There was NO question in my mind that there was an afterlife, and that I would be spending it in "heaven". Whatever the fuck that was!
Well, when I FINALLY came out of the closet, (in the middle of Bible College, mind you) I ended up losing my faith. That was 8 years ago. I still can't find it. I struggle. I search. But, I know I can never return to the way I was before. I can never have blind faith again. I just can't do it. I need proof. Starting to see my dillemma?
People that can have blind faith do not fear death. People who have had those awesome near death experiences do not fear death. People who have seen and/or interacted with ghosts/spirits do not fear death. I, however, do. Why? Because I cannot have blind faith, and because I have never experienced the other two. Not that I necessarily want a NDE. I wouldn't mind seeing a ghost or spirit, though. But, see I have nothing to base any faith in an afterlife on.
And then I start pondering the different forms the afterlife could take. First, if there isn't an afterlife at all, then what? Non-existence? And, as stupid as this sounds, the thought of being non-existant terrifies me. Then, I think what about the heaven and hell thing? HOW THE HELL DO WE REALLY KNOW WHICH IS THE RIGHT WAY??? And believe me, being gay, that is an extremely valid question. And don't tell me the answer lies in the Bible. I cannot have blind faith in the Bible either, because it has been translated by HUMANS!!!!
And then I think about reincarnation, which used to calm me some, until I realized, if there IS such a thing as reincarnation, I do not remember a single thing about any past life, or what sort of person I was, or any lessons I may have already learned. I do have feelings of familiarity, which makes me think maybe there is truth in the idea of reincarnation. But, if we don't remember anything from life to life, then WHAT IS THE POINT???? It is the same as non-existance then.
And then, my mind just keeps spinning and spinning right back to the thought of what if I don't wake up from the anesthesia this time? I am in much poorer health now than I was for my only other surgery. Will my heart give out? Will that be it for me? I am too young. I am not ready.
So, that's a little piece of what I have been dealing with. I will try to post more. (Did you hear that Scott?) I realize I have got to get all this shit out of my head. It is driving me insane. There is a ton more where this came from. I also have some funny stories to tell, so maybe I will weave those in between these deep dark posts. *sigh* I make myself very tired.
One of the reasons I have been incommunicado is because getting used to Kat's new job and hours has been quite the strain for both of us. Trying to keep things in order for her, and taking care of her has taken up a good amount of time.
Another one of the reasons that I have been incommunicado is because of my health status. Around the first of Sept, I was diagnosed with having fibroid tumors in my uterus, and told that most likely, since my symptoms are disruptive and such, that I will probably require a hysterectomy.
I am 36 years old. Does this bother me? No, not particularly. At least not on the front you might expect. I have never wanted children. I have a lot of reasons for that, which I am sure I will be writing about soon, since everything seems to be overlapping for the time being. So, I am really not going to mind losing my useless baby factory parts. I am REALLY not going to mind losing the awful monthly rituals, either.
BUT!!!!!! And this is one huge but. I really do not relish the thought of ANY kind of surgery. See, I have this HUGE fear of death. It is so hard to write about this, because it goes so deep. Anyway, fear of death. Yeah. When I was a deeply religious Christian, and had blind faith, I had no fear of death. There was NO question in my mind that there was an afterlife, and that I would be spending it in "heaven". Whatever the fuck that was!
Well, when I FINALLY came out of the closet, (in the middle of Bible College, mind you) I ended up losing my faith. That was 8 years ago. I still can't find it. I struggle. I search. But, I know I can never return to the way I was before. I can never have blind faith again. I just can't do it. I need proof. Starting to see my dillemma?
People that can have blind faith do not fear death. People who have had those awesome near death experiences do not fear death. People who have seen and/or interacted with ghosts/spirits do not fear death. I, however, do. Why? Because I cannot have blind faith, and because I have never experienced the other two. Not that I necessarily want a NDE. I wouldn't mind seeing a ghost or spirit, though. But, see I have nothing to base any faith in an afterlife on.
And then I start pondering the different forms the afterlife could take. First, if there isn't an afterlife at all, then what? Non-existence? And, as stupid as this sounds, the thought of being non-existant terrifies me. Then, I think what about the heaven and hell thing? HOW THE HELL DO WE REALLY KNOW WHICH IS THE RIGHT WAY??? And believe me, being gay, that is an extremely valid question. And don't tell me the answer lies in the Bible. I cannot have blind faith in the Bible either, because it has been translated by HUMANS!!!!
And then I think about reincarnation, which used to calm me some, until I realized, if there IS such a thing as reincarnation, I do not remember a single thing about any past life, or what sort of person I was, or any lessons I may have already learned. I do have feelings of familiarity, which makes me think maybe there is truth in the idea of reincarnation. But, if we don't remember anything from life to life, then WHAT IS THE POINT???? It is the same as non-existance then.
And then, my mind just keeps spinning and spinning right back to the thought of what if I don't wake up from the anesthesia this time? I am in much poorer health now than I was for my only other surgery. Will my heart give out? Will that be it for me? I am too young. I am not ready.
So, that's a little piece of what I have been dealing with. I will try to post more. (Did you hear that Scott?) I realize I have got to get all this shit out of my head. It is driving me insane. There is a ton more where this came from. I also have some funny stories to tell, so maybe I will weave those in between these deep dark posts. *sigh* I make myself very tired.
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