What if......

I was sitting outside earlier, thinking, and my mind was doing one of those interesting train of thought things. I won't go into the whole train, but I will start at thinking of my father, as today is Father's day. I got thinking about my mother and about all the weight she has lost recently. I got wondering if he would ever regret letting her go, (I will address that some other time), and I got to wondering if my father ridicules and belittles his new wife about her weight like he did both my mother and I.

Then, I started to wonder what a conversation with my stepmother on that subject would be like. I imagined asking her if she thought my father had told her everything about how he treated my sister and I when we were children? I know he has told her SOME, but am quite certain not all of it. I imagined what it would be like if she asked me what all had happened.

I know she knows about the sexual abuse, at least some of it, anyway. He never really truly abused me physically. My mom had those honors. The most I can remember him doing physically harmful was slapping my mouth once and being so horrified he could never do it again, and spanking both my sister and I with a belt and a brush so hard he left a few marks, which also scared him, and he never touched us in anger again.

My mom was a different story. Most of the abuse from her was physical for me. Horrid beatings. I won't go into them here. At least not right now. Maybe never.

Anyway, I got to imagining that in this conversation with my stepmom, that I would then say, but all of that was by FAR not the worst thing they ever did to me. And here, my father was the most to blame. It was the emotional, mental, and verbal abuse that was by far the most damaging AND insidious.

It does NOT let go. Those tapes play and play and play ad NAUSEUM! Do they ever go away? I don't know. I want to say yes, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the answer is no, you have to learn how to turn them down, and ignore them, and go on and soar higher than ever before.

God, that's easy to say and SO FUCKING HARD TO DO!

Also, I was wondering in this conversation if I then said, what if he had never torn my mother down about her weight? Would she have lost the weight sooner, because she would have gotten the support without derision she needed that she is getting from my stepdad (bless his pea-pickin' heart!) and in so doing have reduced the effects of the weight on her health?

Would the same have happened with me? If he had not derided me every chance he got about every little thing? If he had not tried to control me through abusing me verbally and thus as a result, emotionally and mentally? Would I have lost weight sooner? Would I have even been fat in the first place? Would I have quit smoking long ago? Would I have been farther along in life than I am? And without any of the abuse would I be fighting these demons now? Maybe, maybe not. There is no way to be sure.

But one thing I AM sure of, is that I...DO...NOT...HAVE...TO...STAY...IN...THIS...RUT!!! I can change. Can I erase the past? Hell no! But, I can learn to make it work FOR me instead of AGAINST me! THAT is the challenge that is before me now. Can I conquer it? Stay tuned......

Melancholy Meanderings

I don't plan on doing this very often in this blog, but just to warn you, some of this post will be religious in nature.

Today, I am sad. The tears come unbidden quite easily today. Yesterday, the 92 year old woman that I have been caring for made a very quick, but peaceful and dignified exit, like the lady she is. As I heard it in the movie Fried Green Tomatoes; "Ruth was a lady. And a lady ALWAYS knows when to leave." Well, this lady Gertrude, proved once again that she was a lady, as she knew exactly when to leave, in a very dignified and non-traumatic manner.

As a nurse's aide for 16 years, I have learned to love the ones I care for without getting too attached. It is necessary if you are going to be in this field very long. However, once in a while, there will be one who gets under your skin and you have no defense against it. Gertrude was one of those for me. I adored her from second one. And vice versa. I like to think I made her last few months better for both her and her family.

But, there is a void today, and it's not because I don't have a job now, that will work itself out. It is because even though I know it is for the best, I wasn't ready for Gertrude to leave. So, kind of as a healing balm and a tribute to a lady of the highest order, in my eyes, I say enjoy the reward of a well lived life.

This song will be sung by her son at her funeral later this week, and I cannot think of a better way to honour her right now. This is for you, Gertrude Olive Ames Salt.

Softly and Tenderly

Softly and tenderly Jesus is calling,
Calling for you and for me;
See, on the portals He's waiting and watching,
Watching for you and for me.

Come home, come home,
You who are weary, come home;
Earnestly, tenderly, Jesus is calling,
Calling, O sinner, come home!

Why should we tarry when Jesus is pleading,
Pleading for you and for me?
Why should we linger and heed not His mercies,
Mercies for you and for me?

Come home, come home,
You who are weary, come home;
Earnestly, tenderly, Jesus is calling,
Calling, O sinner, come home!

Time is now fleeting, the moments are passing,
Passing from you and from me;
Shadows are gathering, deathbeds are coming,
Coming for you and for me.

Come home, come home,
You who are weary, come home;
Earnestly, tenderly, Jesus is calling,
Calling, O sinner, come home!

Preening, Primping, and Parading Like a Proud Peacock!

WOOHOO! Check out my new look! All the credit goes to my sweetie, Kat! Thanks honey, for working so hard to make my blog FAB-U-LOUS!!! Hmmmmm, maybe I will go see if I can win a Battle of the Blogs battle, soon, now that my look is totally KICK ASS!!!!!

I'm a Pussy, How About You?

Emo Kid You are 14% Rational, 0% Extroverted, 42% Brutal, and 0% Arrogant.

You are the Emo Kid, best described as a quiet pussy! You tend to be an intuitive rather than a logical thinker, meaning you rely more on your feelings than your thoughts. Not only that, but you are introverted, gentle, and rather humble. You embody all the traits of the perfect emo kid. You are a push-over, an emotional thinker, gentle to the extent of absurdity, and so humble that it even makes Jesus puke. If you write poetry, you no doubt write angsty, syrupy lines about depression, sadness, and other such redundant states of emo-being. Your personality is defective because you are too gentle, rather underconfident in yourself, decidely lacking in any rational thought, and also a bit too inhibited. I probably made you cry, didn't I? Fucking Emo Kid. To put it less negatively: 1. You are more INTUITIVE than rational. 2. You are more INTROVERTED than extroverted. 3. You are more GENTLE than brutal. 4. You are more HUMBLE than arrogant. Compatibility: Your exact opposite is the Smartass. Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Hippie, the Televangelist, and the Starving Artist. * * If you scored near fifty percent for a certain trait (42%-58%), you could very well go either way. For example, someone with 42% Extroversion is slightly leaning towards being an introvert, but is close enough to being an extrovert to be classified that way as well. Below is a list of the other personality types so that you can determine which other possible categories you may fill if you scored near fifty percent for certain traits. The other personality types: The Emo Kid: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Humble. The Starving Artist: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant. The Bitch-Slap: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Humble. The Brute: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant. The Hippie: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble. The Televangelist: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant. The Schoolyard Bully: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble. The Class Clown: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant. The Robot: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Humble. The Haughty Intellectual: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant. The Spiteful Loner: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Humble. The Sociopath: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant. The Hand-Raiser: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble. The Braggart: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant. The Capitalist Pig: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble. The Smartass: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 0% on Rationality You scored higher than 0% on Extroversion You scored higher than 47% on Brutality You scored higher than 0% on Arrogance

Link: The Personality Defect Test written by saint_gasoline on OkCupid Free Online Dating

A Queenly Friend, to be Sure!

I have been very remiss. There is someone who entered our lives a little ways back, who deserves a little recognition here and now.

A little background. We used to live on the coast of Wa state. a little over a year ago, due to circumstances, (this is when the year from hell really began) we had to move back to the east side of the state. Well, we had this roommate, J, who we had always just adored.......until he moved in! LOL Mostly just misunderstandings, but it was tiring nonetheless! Anyway, when we got ready to move, everything that could go wrong did, and to make along story a tad shorter, we ran out of room in our truck, AND our rented storage container there, so J graciously agreed to store the overflow, which included a few priceless and expensive items.

Well, in a few months, we would be thinking, "Gracious, my ASS!" We had tried, unsuccessfully for MONTHS to get a hold of J, to no avail. We even called his mom, to see if he had been re-deployed. (He is in the Navy.) He wasn't, and she assured us she would get him to call us. It's a good thing we didn't hold our breath! Well, we really started thinking he was stealing our stuff at this point, and out of frustration, Kat posted a scathing post about him and a pic of him IN his Navy uni! LMAO

Well, someone commented on her post that she thought she recognized him, as she lived in that town and her hub-unit, (as she calls him) is also in the Navy. She and Kat started exchanging emails, and to our surprise and delight, she DID know him, and led us down the right path of getting the Navy to help us get in touch with J!

Kat went to war! LOL She called the number Queenie had given her, and eventually got to the secretary or the commander of the unit J is in, if I remember right! Kat told her our story, and she promised she would deal with this, and have him call us. That is really all we anted, was a call to know that everything was still ok, both the things and the friendship. Kat also called his mom again and informed her that she had called the Navy in on this, now! Mom FREAKED! Kat was like, "Well, we gave him plenty of opportunities to contact us and for whatever reason he hasn't, so he has left us no recourse."

You guessed it! We got a call from him in like 15-20 mins FLAT! And he said that he was getting calls from everywhere, to CALL US!!! LMAO Toooooo funny! Turns out he is just a procrastinating lazy-ass, (like me) and just never got around to calling! And our stuff is safe and sound and we have peace of mind again! Thanks to Queenie!!! All hail the Queenie!

But that's not all......shit, now I feel like one of those stupid announcer guys on those infomercials, "But, wait, that's not all, along with your order for the amazing Wonder Ass Sucker, we will include free, a custom butt plug and maybe an anal douche or three!"

ANYWAY........Queenie has done something else quite worthy of praise. See, if you look at my past posts, and look at the comments on each one, on almost every single post, there is an encouraging comment from Queenie! She has been with me through the whole birthing process of this blog, and its development, and my blog identity crisis! Along with Kat, she has helped me find my way!

So, to you, Queenie, I say a most heartfelt thanks! And to any of the rest of you still reading, go read Q's blog! She is FUNNY!

Ribbit!

I think an explanation may be in order here. You see that pic of a frog I have in my profile? Well, there is a story behind why I chose to use that particular pic.

Kat and I first met in March or so of 1999. I won't go into our WHOLE story of getting together, but just enough to explain this pic. Anyway, we lost touch soon after that, but got reacquainted again over the 4th of July holiday in 2001. On our first trip over to the west coast of Washington state where I lived, we had quite an interesting time.

I need to back up just a tad and tell you that at the time, Kat was in a very destructive, abusive relationship with an alcoholic man. She was also very ready to get out of the relationship, when I came swooping into town in my yellow "horse" and "shining armour" and saved her from the evil man. (My eyes are so rolling right now; you will understand why, soon) So, we made reference to me being her "prince" and how she had had way too many frogs in her life, and hoping I never ribbited too much. (Now I am about ready to barf! LOL)

Well, on the way over to the coast for a hopefully romantic weekend, and a Mariner's game, I had my first big ribbit. And she said that I was tingeing a little green around the gills! LOL Anyway, we got through that, and I continued to ribbit, mostly little ribbits for oh, the first few months of our relationship.

*Sigh* I guess I don't have to tell you that my ribbits eventually grew in size and duration to the point of being almost unbearable for her. Just the very fact that she has put up with me this long makes her at least a partial saint! Now, I am working very hard at self-discovery and trying to figure these "ribbits" out and why I have them, and hopefully diminishing their presence and influence in my life.

So, that's why I chose the frog pic. As a reminder and a little bit of a joke. Besides, it has a smoke hanging out of its mouth! Also very appropriate!

Kindred Spirits & CARPE DIEM, TOMORROW!

Ok, so here's the deal. I haven't even had the chance to talk to him about this yet, but I think I may have found the very very rare commodity of a male kindred spirit. I don't know why, but most of my kindred spirits tend to be female.

Scott, over at CARPE DIEM, TOMORROW! , stopped by my blog the other day and gave me a short but nice comment. So, I checked out his blog. I was totally taken aback. He is interested in many of the same things I am, such as a deep love for all things Celtic. Plus, I find him to be very real, and funny as HELL! I found myself belly laughing out loud reading his blog, and believe me when I tell you, THAT is also a huge rarity! Plus, I don't know how exactly to put this into words, but I "get" him. I get where he is coming from easily, and actually feel he would "get" me, too. Oh yeah, and he is a searcher, which happens to be another trait of mine that is very dear to my heart! See, I figure, I may be seriously fucked up in some ways, but I figure if I am always willing and open to searching for answers inwardly and outwardly, there is always hope.

So, today, I say thank you, Scott. I may not know you well yet, but I hope to get the chance to call you friend.

But Seriously........

Ok, so after much soul searching, a few comments from great people, and fighting with Kat in IMs, I have decided that I am just going to stay the course. Who knows what will evolve, but won't the journey be fun? I am a searcher......on a long search for the truth that is me.........much needed and long overdue.....

So, before I forget, there was a Dr. Phil show a while back that really affected me. They had on this couple, where the guy was an alcoholic, and the woman would get so mad at him everytime he drank, that she would beat the everlovin' shit out of the guy! Even if he was passed out! There was one scene in particular, where she could have killed him, and really almost did, because instead of calling 911, she beat the shit out of him while he was obviously in major distress. Turns out, his blood alcohol level was something like 3 or 4 times (I think) the legal limit and he almost killed himself by alcohol poisoning. Added to that her beating and the huge amount of time that passed before she called for help and he is a very lucky man to be alive.

Anyway, Dr. Phil brought something up to the woman that slammed into my head like a runaway train hitting another train; he said that the woman had been raised with a father who was an alcoholic who controlled and beat and terorrized her mom and the kids. Then she turned around and married a guy very similar to her dad, EXCEPT for the fact that this was a guy she could do something to; whereas with her father, she wanted to beat him back, to make him stop, to beat HIM to within an inch of his life, she never could of course, so she married a guy that drank like her dad, but that she COULD control and beat and here's the rub, basically, play out the fantasies and work out the frustrations and get revenge ON HER FATHER! She was basically reliving the past, in a way, and changing it to HER advantage. Noone else was going to treat her the way her father had! And in so doing, she became very much like him, minus the alcohol!

Anyway, the point to all of this is that as I was watching this, I suddenly thought to myself; is this what *I* do? Am I doing to "them" what I couldn't do then, to someone else, who does NOT deserve it?????? Very good question. Very hard answer. Of course I am. Does it accomplish ONE FUCKING THING?????? Yep, it sure does! It systematically destroys every close relationship I have, eventually.

Painful step here, but necessary.

A Change May Be in Order

I am at a loss. I wanted this blog to be able to explore this journey of self-examination in detail, and really to be fairly serious. But, I am finding I am jealous of all these great people who have such great, funny blogs that everyone loves. Mine bores people to tears or worse, doesn't even interest anyone at all. Yes, I know, I should do it just for me, but there is truly something about having blog fans. I have watched Kat's blog grow and her list of fans grow and grow and grow. So, what to do? Do I just start writing about funny things? Do I stay the course I started? Or do I maybe find a balance between the two? I don't know.......I just don't know. Yargh! I wish I DID know!